First, off this is not a medical post nor is my intent to poke at the medical field. This illness just brings up something that you might be able to relate to as much as me. Years ago, as a young mom, I was at my end. Physically, there was not one more ounce of me to give. Emotionally, the world was so heavy all that I felt was grief and sadness. Mentally, there was no divide between the day and the night, it was like walking around in a zombie state. Spiritually, I had shut God out because he was just dead wrong!! Picture painted – shell mom. But there is no exaggeration in this description. To make matters worse, one of the outcomes was that I had no appetite. I wasn’t hungry, food was an offput for me, so I didn’t eat. The result is obvious, I lost weight and very quickly.
This is where the diagnosis of hyperthyroidism comes in. I was at the emergency room and the doctor should have seen that I was severely depressed. Instead, he focused on my weight loss and wanted to test my thyroid. That never happened. Here’s why. I knew the reasons behind this sudden change in me and he had no clue about the depression because I have a very outgoing personality. I am also naturally prone to be kind, to please others, and to set self aside. That doctor was not alone in missing cues. My personal friends had no clue either.
Behind the façade I had put on was a crumbling marriage, a loss of my dreams to attend college, a loss of a job that meant more to me than a paycheck. Some of you know just what I am hinting at here. Mountains can come down on me, but my personality does not easily allow for that to be reflected to the world. People miss things because I am almost always talkative, I almost always have a smile on my face, and the deeply engrained desire to give of myself takes over. Well, actually I should have used past tense in that last statement because God has shifted all of that for me.
But it’s important for those of you out there who are still in this place to see what is being said here. Because of my circle of influences, my unhealthy relationships, and my self-imposed lies, I was destroying myself in every arena. When you are no longer able to meet the basic needs, you are in a danger zone.
There are answers! In fact, there are lots of them, but you have to be willing to embrace at least one of them. They range from self-care to specialized help. Obviously, this is a post in which miles are between us. Which means, I cannot advise you as to which path you should take. But, even if you’re not sure the direction there is value in taking at least one. Let me suggest to you that starting simple might be a good path.
I have spoken about this in the past, but honesty is the first step. Being honest with self, with others, and with God must occur for you to move out of the haze. Determining what is the root cause is not only valuable it is the only way to move forward. One of the next steps is giving yourself tools. One of the best tools ever is to place true dependence in God. By doing this is not to disregard the work we as humans must do, but it is trusting God to guide us through the process. We are also called to draw a line in the sand with our actions. If part of the cause is sin, then we must acknowledge it, determine not to step over the line, give ourselves grace if we do, and then begin again. Then the weeding begins. We must align our thoughts about self, life, others, etc. with that which God says is true. If they do not match up then we need to begin the slow, slow, slow (this takes patience) journey of allowing God to change these ways of thinking. Part of that pruning and weeding often includes friendships or unhealthy relationships. All of these tools also require one other thing, someone to take the journey with us. Making substantial changes alone is difficult. Jesus had twelve friends!
While some of my other posts deal with these ideas, this one is a little more intense. There are a few things I want to say. First, if you are experiencing self-harm thoughts, you NEED to reach out right away for help. Go to a friend, pastor, someone. Second, you’re not alone. Others, even those who sit in successful positions in our world suffer from these same things. Third, you really are going to need some help with this journey. Take a look at my other blog posts, podcasts or resources, even consider emailing me via the homepage on this website.
Above all, find courage to be you again. Thank you for allowing me to go on this journey with you. -blessings
Monica Swank 