Do you have weird thoughts randomly hit you every once and awhile? Today, while I was teaching on the books of Corinthians, I was struck by one such thought. It sparked not only a new line of thinking (sort of), but also a physical action. We were talking about how Paul is so frustrated with the church that he uses sarcasm or mockery to make his point. Have you ever done that? Or has anyone done that with you?
If we are the recipient of mockery, it’s like there is this switch that flips inside of us. It is a two-way button. It moves up or down depending on who the person is that pokes at us. That movement is accompanied by emotions. Turn it around for a minute. Say that you are the one trying to make a point. You exercise your uncanny sarcasm on your friend. This is not a little thing you want them to see, but some larger issue – a bad girlfriend who they just can’t give up, maybe. When you speak the truth to them, does it turn into an argument or are they grateful for your insight? I’m not voting on the latter; however, I have seen some cases when the presentation is right that it works without hard feelings.
What if you and that same friend are sitting in church and the pastor addresses an issue that resonates with the unhealthy relationship of your friend? Let’s say that the pastor even uses sarcasm when talking about it. I bet there is a greater likelihood that the friend will hear the words with an openness. While there is no guarantee of it, the chances are better. Here’s why. For the hearer of the rebuke when it is someone close to us it feels condemning. When there is distance or relationship it doesn’t have the same sting. Paul knew the churches of Corinth that he was correcting, and they knew him, but he was intimately associated with a smaller number of the group. While the church itself was caught up in not only disruptive arguments, the members were also suing each other. Why? Because their relationships were more connected. When they disagreed it quickly fanned into heated debates because it felt like personal attacks.
Reggie McNeal is a leadership expert. He teaches thousands of leaders how to receive criticism. I think what he says is not only wise it is biblical and useful to the average person. In his book, A Work of Heart, he talks about the conflict that leaders should expect in ministry. Listen to these subheadings: “Get Over It…Choose Your Pain…Examine Your Critics…Look in the Mirror…Get Good Advice…Be Kind and Honest… Forgive…Make a Decision.” These are wise words! And I didn’t even get to the meat of the chapter. I’m not sure it is all that necessary in this context.
What I really want you to see is what I am always teaching, being honest with ourselves. If someone is pushing against something sensitive in our life, there might be a need to do some personal reflection. What if we worked our way through the subheadings listed above? Not all our critics are right. Neither are we, right. Yet, if we took some basic steps it might look like this:
- Sort out the words from the emotional response.
- Don’t let the weight of the situation cripple.
- Examine the character of the person behind the words.
- Do a real honest inner self examination.
- Don’t make life altering decisions alone.
- Give yourself some grace (and the one who pointed out the flaw)
- Forgive you, forgive others, forgive God.
- Take action.
Real change is hard. If someone calls us out on some issue in our lives, we need to at least be open enough to hear the words. My guess is if this happens and causes initial tension, we probably have recognized it ourselves. Real change is hard. If it’s a lifestyle change that we have carried around with us for years, it gets even harder. Real change is hard.
Okay, want to hear the good news? You’re not alone – ever!! If you have faith in God, then you have the mightiest warrior ever on your side. You or I might not have personally experienced God this way, but the Bible is full of examples. If this isn’t where you are right now, there are still people out there. I always mention reaching out to me. It’s what I do, journey with people as they make changes. In my work as a hospital Chaplain, one thing I often hear is that people think they are alone. My personal belief is that people think they are burdens. Remember, from the first created human we have all had to lean on someone along the way. There is someone out there to take this journey with you. Push forward – you’ve got this!
-blessings
Reggie McNeal, A Work of Heart, (San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2011), 154-174.
Monica Swank 