What dreams do you dream? When I do marriage counseling, I talk about both dreams and expectations. Most of us like to think that we are logical enough to rationalize life when these things don’t occur in our marriages or in our lives in general. I would argue this way of thinking. It’s not that we cannot do them, but the honest truth is that we just do not utilize these types of skills without seeing them modeled regularly or learning them. They’re just not natural responses.
You probably will not like the reason that I believe this to be true. My reasoning is that we are typically selfish by nature. We are taught by many, many influences that we deserve to receive certain things in relationships.
Also, when I counsel engaged couples, I talk about the fact that your spouse is not given the responsibility of meeting your needs. Sometimes, I hear these words given as vows at the altar and I wonder what happens to this couple when they are not able to uphold these words. You see we are all individuals and so when we come into relationships, regardless of who it is with, we bring our own visions or dreams with us. Another aspect of this comes when we make major shifts in our lives. Let’s say retirement, or job change, it could be any life change that alters time and space for us as individuals. We bring ideals with us that most likely are not matched.
When we realize that this is not happening for us, we have a tendency to become disillusioned. A wide range of responses occurs for us. It is not uncommon for us to place blame on someone or something else. It makes it easier to accept the truth that our hopes are not fulfilled. Sometimes we look for other jobs, homes, friends, and unfortunately spouses. These are norms in our world and so for us to respond in this way is not unusual.
So, are we just supposed to dispose of our dreams or hopes? Are these things not obtainable or should they be traded? Is there an answer that does not have such deep repercussions? There is always another option. But let’s go back for a minute to the marriage relationship and what each of us brings into it. When you are feeling as if all hope is gone reexamine this space (in any relationship). Let’s say though you are feeling let down by a spouse. Here are a few simple steps you can take to help you see the picture differently.
- On whom are the completion of the dreams placed? (yours or theirs?)
- Have the dreams been clearly expressed to the other person or is it just assumed they know?
- What role does the other person play in the dreams or hopes?
- Does the other person feel the same way as you?
- Is your dream or vision for the relationship or you personally?
When we recognize that our dreams have been unattended it can cause a sense of being let down. In addition, to asking yourself these questions listed above you can ask if there is still real value in your hopes. It is very possible that while the loss feels real, the dream is no longer important and might even be better shifted into another dream that both you and the other person can share together.
From one dreamer to another – I hope you never stop dreaming, but I also hope that you are open, honest, and willing to accept it when a dream is shifted or needs discarded. Think about what you might be missing by focusing on something that may need shifted. As always, thank you for letting me journey with you.
-blessings
Monica Swank 