Did you ever wonder about those mother – son, father – daughter relationships? Why are they different? What causes us to be more drawn or more distant from one or the other? There are more than a few theories on how these are developed as well as how we are impacted by them. What you find here might resonate with you or feel very obscure. The goal is to encourage you to view your relationships through a lens of understanding. If something seems amiss it is because mental and spiritual health is not a one size fits all, not unlike the physical.
While we do not understand every minute detail of the relationships we have with our parents, there are great things to be learned from viewing them from an outsider perspective. We often hear that we choose our spouses or significant others because they are like our moms or dads, but what does that really mean?
For females a father provides a piece of her identity. He shapes it through his tenderness, or love. His distance in a relationship alters her self-image and ultimately her sexuality. As a child the daughter aims for the father’s attention. The way in which that is received has the potential to shift the ways in which she seeks out future male bonding, especially sexual connections.
On the other side of things men typically gain their masculinity from their mothers. Based upon how they relate to this early relationship they may develop more feminine or masculine qualities, or simply grasp the way to maintain bonds with women. The ability that a man has to commit in his adult sexual or intimate interactions is said to have its roots in how he engaged with his own mother.
Let me use this as an example: a father is absent from a daughter’s life. We know that likely there are important aspects of who she grows into that are influenced by this loss. Yet, to what depth do these go? Women are more prone to early sexual behavior without the guidance of a father. These types of signs can be present as young as 8-9 years of age. These women are not just seeking sexual activity prematurely, they also tend to seek marriage at younger ages.[1] What about the abusive or demanding father? How do positive and doting fathers impact their young daughters? Obviously, I cannot address every angle here in this small space, but it is important to understand that our childhood relationships, especially those with our parents, are deeply ingrained. Regardless of our push back on these formative connections, we are molded.
What happens if a man has a mother with whom he gets too entangled in her femininity? They run the risk of having numerous sexual relationships in order to “conquer” this power of control over their lives.[2] Each opportunity for intimacy will be influenced by this internal thought process.
So, what happens now that you understand this with a little more depth? Are we stuck in these identities that were most likely shaped by our parents unknowingly? Can we avoid creating these types of learned behaviors in our own children? Every thought can be transformed! Some just take more work than others. Again, my go to is the constant reminder we have that Christ says we can be made new in him. If you sense that you may not be in a healthy place, then my recommendation is to reach out to me via my website www.monicaswank.org. Together, we will determine what steps are necessary to start you on the road to personal peace. My response is just the same if it is not a place of difficulty you find yourself in, but rather a transforming of your thought patterns is needed.
We are like every other element of creation in that we are adaptable. We are not meant to live in disharmony with ourselves or others. When we allow Christ to move in us, permanent change can occur. The first step in allowing this to happen is to admit it. This honesty as well as a continual effort to be sincere in the conversations around tough life topics offers us the chance to reach life-long peace. Sometimes you need someone to journey with you. Start with these steps; outside guidance, honesty, sincere effort, and you may find just what you’ve been looking for in life.
-blessings
[1] Victoria Secunda, Women and Their Fathers, (New York, New York, Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group, Inc., 1992), p. 198.
[2] Men and Their Mothers, Life Love Leadership, https://lifeloveleadership.com/men-and-their-mothers/.
Monica Swank 