Some of the best conversations I have are with my 17 yr. old daughter. Yesterday, we had a “discussion” about the type of bathing suit she was going to buy this year. Those of you who follow me regularly are probably thinking, “I thought she was talking about the influence of parents this month.” Well, have you ever had to help your daughter to understand what she can put on her body for public viewing? Ha! I would say that revolves completely around the subject.
Actually, it shifted to a dad’s perspective in a more general sense. That ended up including the male and female interpretation of women’s clothing, men seeing women as sexual objects, and on what our respect should equate to for the other gender. Not only do I have 5 daughters, I, also have 2 sons. The talks with the boys are just, if not more, serious than they are with the girls when it comes to the opposite gender.
What I could not make my daughter see was that irregardless of what she thinks her father is really like as a man, she has a fairly healthy vantage point. When she was little, he was the world to her. She snuggled with him, she sought him out to play with her over me. Now, that she is older she butts heads with him on views yet, the way in which she gains her worldly opinions is driven by him.
As a witness of his love and care for a family it has been just the same. He is a provider by nature. Which equates to some absences. On the flipside, he is actively engaged with the kid’s activities. She also may not clearly be able to interpret the love that him and I share. This is how it is with most of us as children. We see and are impacted by the influence of our parents, but we don’t always have the ability to understand it completely.
The topic of women’s clothing choices and how they are misconstrued by some men was a hot topic for her. Why? Because she has never had to doubt her safety with her father. She has had her fair share of arguments about what she will and will not wear, but for the most part he is silent about her clothing. Her choices are developed out of this sense of confidence that she can be her own person without losing her father’s respect.
I am not trying to voice a political viewpoint. Oh, I have my opinions – I am a Taurus! The three of us eventually came around to this topic though. How choices made by the social whole about men and women are often extreme to one side or the other. Let me explain in terms that relate to our parental influence. Both genders are born with innate qualities. Male humans are no different than males of any other species. Their natural tendency is to procreate. That makes them instinctively sexual creatures. Sadly, they get a bad rap for that truth. Of course, most likely because a select number of them abuse it. I digress.
A man that is also a father of a teenage girl must reconcile this natural response. When it is a healthy relationship, they may struggle to view their daughters in clothing that they fully understand is interpreted in a sexual way to some men. Carefully read those words. I am not saying that is her intent nor am I saying it should be perceived that way. There is no blame being placed here. What I am saying is that men are tuned into sex differently than women. They are fully aware of it. Naturally, they are driven this way. As a father and a man, they know other men are driven this way too. They also know that not all men will treat their daughter with the respect and love that she deserves. That is all that he wants for her. Since he knows that things are misconstrued, whether right or wrong, the bikini on his precious, beautiful, teenage daughter is a real source of tension in his mind.
If you are not clear about how this relates to parental influence, let me insert a few concluding thoughts. A healthy, safe relationship with the parent who is of the opposite gender from us allows us to interpret social norms differently than one that is not. We do not have to agree on all topics, but the ability to disagree with our parents allows us to develop our own opinions of our world. Freedom to express our own personality as children, within boundaries and under guidance instills a confidence to face greater challenges in healthier ways.
Yes, there is far more that factors into this subject. We will never fully touch on all of it here. The point of the blog is to give us one particular view from a child and a parent. It is to help us better understand that regardless if it is a healthy or unhealthy upbringing we cannot escape the impact of these early childhood relationships. That leaves us with a choice as adults. If we desire peace in our lives, if we long for some better way, we can either keep pushing through or we can seek out healthy resources to assist us in making that transformation.
Monica Swank 