I get the great honor of marrying couples. This might sound a little warped, but two of my favorite things is being an active participant in the lives of those who are pledging themselves to each other and being present when people die. Yes, I know they are far from the same thing, but there is an incredible amount of honor in both. I have spent many years hearing the story of death from a first responder perspective. It is a lot more like the crash and burn fallout of a marriage that is failing. The kind of death experience I am talking about resembles a moment of peace. It is a life lived, celebrated, and experienced that is now ready for rest. Isn’t that the kind of marriage we all are looking for? So, while death and love are not the same thing, they sort of are the same.
I chose to talk about marriage and faith today, not death and marriage, but I think death brings a reality to marriage that is often overlooked for the rush of joyful emotion that surrounds it. There is a certain soberness that attends the one that should attend the other. If you’re married, you might understand where I am going. We do not get a course in this relationship. Our parents often don’t model it for us in the best light. It is a learn as you go experience. It is living richly and poorly (I’m not talking finances). It is the best party ever attended – the marriage not the wedding – and the worst hang-over experienced.
Regardless of how you do marriage it will fill these qualifications in some capacity. There is no real way around it simply because every relationship experiences ups and downs to some extent. And we get choices in it. Things like how involved we want to be, how faithful, how many hassles we’ll put up with, how socially active we make it. Yet, even though we get to make these decisions initially over time the choice shifts to include the other persons response. This is where the age-old adage about not marrying someone from a different religion or even faith tradition comes into play.
When I counsel with couples one of the things that I remind them is that while today they don’t see small differences as any big deal, that will shift as the daily excitement of seeing their partner becomes routine. As this occurs the negative qualities or differing beliefs seem to tip the scales. If faith is not shared it has the ability to separate. Eventually, you notice that your spouse isn’t sitting beside you at church or doesn’t want to join the bible study group with you. Slowly the potential for tension becomes more prevalent.
But I am speaking about negatives. What about the decision to marry someone who has your faith traditions? There is also the ability to adapt new traditions even if you don’t accept the entirety of a faith. Let me focus on the shared elements. There is not just an understanding to pray for certain situations, there is personal emotion that drives individuals to join together with someone else in these ways. Your spouse who shares your faith knows the value of prayer in every way. Worship can also enhance your relationship given its spiritual nature. When in this space together you are not just approaching your faith as two individuals but coming together in agreement to bring honor and praise to something greater.
There is a richness in marrying someone who reflects your moral and religious convictions. You share a depth that goes beyond the tangible, everyday world. I am constantly talking about how we experience life in the physical, psychological, and spiritual realms. Take that and double it by two. Marriage unites us in these realms as well. If we are missing any one element of it there is a loss that exists even if it is not felt on the surface.
-blessings
Monica Swank 