There have been some recent events in my life that have made me think of this time-honored belief, “that we should be careful not to go away angry from one another because we don’t know what the next moment will bring.” But here’s the truth in the matter. We are human, we disagree with each other, we say hurtful things at times, we just don’t always get ‘life together’ right. When we are living in these moments does that mean that our love has ceased? I can’t answer that question for you, but in my life, I get angry at the people I love without taking my love away from them.
In recent years the idea of authenticity has grown in popularity. What does it really mean to be authentic? To take off your make-up, to be comfortable in your dad body, to speak your real thoughts? Let’s be honest if we’re authentic, we are going to hurt people. It’s just the nature of the beast. You cannot be true to yourself, be real, have your own thoughts and not step on someone’s feelings at some point in time.
This brings us back to this dilemma that we may find ourselves faced with, “how do I not accept the responsibility for the loss of someone in my life, if the last words I spoke to them were hurtful? Am I unforgiveable for my actions? Am I at fault?”
These are tough words. That means that the answer to them is not clearcut. Since I haven’t met you, or if I have, I may not know what you are struggling with internally, let me start with these words: forgiveness is very hard to give away if you never hold onto it for yourself. Forgiveness is for us as much as it is for others. The first step in any place overshadowed by hurt is forgiveness. Looking inward to determine if we need to start with ourselves is key to moving on. I often look to the Bible for answers. I believe that Jesus set this example for us. Not that he needed self-forgiveness, but he needed to be focused in order to do the work he was sent to do. Read the story in Matthew 3 and 4 about his baptism and wilderness journey. I believe it shows us that in everything we do we must be intentional as well as in the right frame of mind, free of all unnecessary burdens, in order to move forward in anything.
Second, recognize that you are not responsible for the other person’s feelings or responses. And most certainly you are not capable of erasing moments of goodness and love in someone’s life. That means hurtful words cannot replace love. I’m not downplaying the raw, painful truth of unkind words or actions. They sting. They leave us reeling. But love that goes deep, this does not equate to time spent in relationship or honeymoon like feelings, but rather a relational connection that is felt in the depth of our emotions, this type of love has backbone to withstand angry words.
Third, know that words can be forgiven. Even if death or distance keep you from healing the relationship. Why? Because they start in your own heart. When there is sincere regret and sorrow over what we have done our heart begins to shift. I use King David’s story a lot because there is so much we can learn from it. About right now, I can see some of you shaking your heads doubting that forgiveness can take place in these scenarios. Stay with me. King David committed adultery and murder in pretty quick fashion. (see 1 Samuel chapters 11-12 for his story) To understand this type of healing it’s easiest to view it from an opposing vantage point.
Unforgiveness breeds bitterness and when unchecked for any length of time it has the ability to take over our lives. This is not just hearsay; it is documented truth with plenty of victims to solidify it. When we seek true forgiveness, even in our own soul, there is a strange phenomenon that takes place, we are humbled. In humbleness we recognize our weakness as well as our own dependence on others. In humbleness we are reminded of our humanness which aligns us with other humans. It’s here that we are able to see that all fall into error. We also gain a purer perspective on the entirety of life. Ultimately, we see the real power of love and its ability to overcome even the most devasting places of our lives that reach even beyond the grave.
Monica Swank 