Conflicts in marriage are normal. Not many (if any) Old Testament families got marriage or relationships right all the time. Just knowing that doesn’t always help though. The arguments in our own lives are still hurtful. We still feel devalued or undervalued at random times. The knowing only helps if we can step away from our own emotions.
Have you ever found yourself wondering how you can keep going in a relationship that feels this way most of the time? Have you ever felt alone or afraid to speak to another Christian concerning the problems in your home? If either of these, or something similar, rings true I hope you will find comfort in today’s blog.
I want to start with telling you a couple of stories. The first one is about a sense of isolation in the church. Years ago, I was there. I was in a bad place in my marriage. The details aren’t relevant here, but marital counseling was not helping. I did some research in the Bible and found that I was supposed to ask the leaders of the church for guidance. I sat week after week in the pew my heart aching. I tried to find the courage to speak to friends, but their marriages looked so good, so healthy, so right compared to mine. I was embarrassed.
So, I didn’t. Instead, I kept wearing a mask around the people who knew me best. I kept pretending that everything was great. The end result was bad, very bad! I buried it all until the weight was too much and I could see no way out. My friends, I hope you hear my voice with all the sincerity in which I am writing. Do NOT attempt to bear the burden of marital discord alone. Acknowledge these simple facts: conflict is common, even if someone has not personally experienced it, they understand it, people often are more willing to help than not, there are wise leaders in every church even if you have to ask more than one person.
I said I had a couple of stories. The second one is similar but has a different outcome. I am remarried (again the back story is not important to this blog). Guess what, I still have conflict with my spouse and no it is not all me. The nature of relationships suggests that over time two people will have differing opinions and if not approached reasonably they will have conflict. I no longer have a fear about reaching out to my church family or pastor. I actually have a greater obstacle. I am the pastor, and my husband is a local community leader.
I want you to hear these things because some of you are in the same situation. You are married to someone, or you are someone who’s privacy is highly important. I would tell you that those facts are irrelevant if society wasn’t so driven to reveal secrets. There are a few things I want to say about this scenario. First, it is incredibly important that when you have worked through difficulties as public figures you need to share them. That doesn’t mean the details unless they are valuable lessons for others. It does mean though that the rest of the world needs to see you as normal. Second, it also means that you need to seek out someone from the inception of your relationship to mentor and guide you both through these times. In fact, regardless of who you or your spouse is you should have a mentor from the beginning of your marriage. There is more value in this then I can spend time talking about here.
What I wanted for you to find encouragement in through this blog is that you’re not alone in marital strife. You also have free resources available to you everywhere, it just requires a little looking. Please, do not buy into the lie that other people in the Church don’t have the same issues that you do. One of the most fascinating things to me about the Bible is that life is in it. Not just random stories with no point or purpose, but real-life pain, heartache, and challenges exist within its pages. But something better can be found there, real, honest solutions.
– blessings
Monica Swank 