Unburied Roots

“You wouldn’t believe how many medications firefighters are taking and how many firefighters are taking them,” said a Fire Chief to me as I was leaving his office. We had been discussing the need for better mental health education and intervention.

“The worst part about a bad run is closing your eyes at the end of the day,” said another Fire Chief. I didn’t understand this comment fully until I worked as a hospital Chaplain in the Emergency Department. No, I didn’t pull broken bodies from disaster scenes, but I watched as their bodies were sewn back together or I sat with their families as they attempted to process the news of the sudden loss of life. I did and still do witness firefighters who self-medicate with alcohol because it is easier to close their eyes at night.

One of the reasons why it is difficult for them is that they relive the scene over and over. At night it isn’t the question of if they did things right it is strictly the visuals. Images that are imprinted in their brains for a lifetime. Soldiers experience a similar situation. These are extreme situations, but they are not unlike the images that anyone who has experienced trauma or serious crisis relive on a regular basis.

Years ago, I endured a violent act. Because alcohol was present at the time, I attached it to the memory. The association was a negative. Here’s the thing, I did not realize at the time or for years after that I had made this attachment. I kept doing life. But every time that I would have a drink of alcohol, I would experience sadness that typically transitioned into depression. Which if you know anything about cycles of behavior caused me to reach for more alcohol.

I did life this way from the time I was 15 years old until I was about 40. I found things, positive things, to fill myself up with but none ever allowed for healing of this early life event. Why? I didn’t even know this was at the root. I had buried the event and most definitely all of the emotions around it years ago, or so I thought.

This is exactly why “feel-good” fixes do not work. Exercise, medications without counseling, alcohol or drugs, religion. If you steal $20 from someone, invest that money into something that triples in returns, then out of guilt you give the original $20 back to the person you stole it from does not make the other $40 clean money. The benefit, or earned interest, was rooted in the original stolen money. All of the money is dirty money. It should all have been returned to the original owner.

Crises or traumas that impact us do not go away. They are like that invested $20. The root is in the stolen money even if there are good things that come from it. I had beautiful children. I had success in my jobs. But over time the roots grew so big and were so intertwined in my life that they became oppressive. Like that cash, in a sense I had to return everything that was connected to it. No, I didn’t get rid of my children or my jobs. I went back and faced things differently.

In doing so, I found some seriously dark places in my life. I faced sins that I had reasoned away. I examined relationships and began to repair them. I moved myself out of unhealthy patterns and into environments that would not just appear positive but that would give me real inner peace.

I am always talking about honesty. Honesty with self and honesty with God. If you do not knock down some serious walls you have built in your life for protection (which by the way are false) you will continue to let the roots of unhealthy thoughts and behaviors rule your happiness. If you do not allow yourself to be honest with God, you are limiting the peace that will give you life-long security, confidence, and hope.

There is promise for joy. I hope that you will let me help you find it. Please, reach out to me at contact@monicaswank.org. Until then, I’m loving you, I’m praying for you, and I am so grateful to be journeying with you as you do life.

-blessings