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Trusting In Pain

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Have you seen all of those ‘welcome home’ signs on porches lately? Maybe you have one. What do you think of when you see one? Okay, let’s back up a few years and answer that question when it was rare to find them around the neighborhood. How about when you step up to the door in which one of those signs are present? Well, I can only assume that the owner placed it there to make those viewing it feel a sense of belonging or warmth.

Isn’t that what all of us want in life? Of course, we like the fame, the money, and the power that goes along with success, but isn’t it really the recognition that we long for most of all? I was one of those high-strung kids that would do anything to get the attention of my parents. It wasn’t because they didn’t offer it that I sought it. It had more to do with my personality. New dance routines, new songs, new tricks, new … Literally, any action that would get them to praise me. I didn’t just want to belong, I wanted to be front and center.

There are many who would diagnose those actions and who knows they might even be right, but the goal of this blog is not the reasoning so much as the belonging. It is Creations nature to belong. When we are lacking this, things are thrown off kilter. If you experience life without the confidence of belonging, then you know exactly what I am talking about. Of course, I cannot speak for everyone, but I venture to say that most of us do belong whether we know it or not.

So, what if you don’t recognize your belonging? Or what if you feel lonely, isolated? There are some things that you can do immediately. Hear this and accept it: I am praying for you even this minute! You read those words too quickly. The point is that you accept it. This is not some random passing thought. I am seeking out goodness and grace for your life. I am asking for you to be filled with those gifts that God has granted solely to you in such a way that the world will be blessed. I am asking for peace and joy to flood your moments, your memories, your relationships. I am asking for God to know your name and your needs as I might not ever be blessed to do.

The first thing is to believe those words and receive them. The second thing is to stop trying to prove to yourself that you aren’t important or that you don’t belong. You are part of what the world needs today so that there might be order. You belong because no one else in the world can be you and so you are needed. When you constantly feed yourself negativity it’s almost impossible to miss not just the plus side of things, but the truth. God has never wasted his time on us. When the world was created, he separated the world’s light sources; the moon, the sun, the stars in such a way that all systems would work. If God took time to ensure plants would have the vitamins as well as the other benefits the sun would provide for life, then do not dismiss the fact that when he created you, he took the time to bend down and breathe life into your lungs. (Gen. 1-2)

The final action you can take today, is trust. The items on this list are not easy if you truly make the effort. But I will grant you that the last one is the hardest. When I journeyed through divorce, the near loss of my home, a breast biopsy I did not stand in praise of God. I hurt. My heart ached and I was scared. I felt alone. Just like that sign ascribes warmth to you when you feel a sense of belonging, I don’t dismiss that you feel real, life-sucking pain just because you might have God in your life. In the midst of difficult places, it can be just as hard to trust. So, practice it. Seriously! When I am in my darkest moments I sing, “Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus.” There are several reasons this has power for me. First, it reminds me to turn my focus off of the bad and onto Jesus. Second, it is short and easy to remember the words. Finally, it can be said like a breath prayer (in one breath). Find your breath prayer and carry it with you on paper until it becomes so absorbed into who you are that you are never without its power. It is in the moments that you use it regularly that you will discover quite by accident that you really do trust.

Need more helps? Need a speaker for an event? Need coaching? Send me an email at contact@monicaswank.org.

-blessings my friends

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Transforming Behaviors: In it for the long haul.

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I regularly write about understanding who you are from the root system up. It seems fitting in the early part of the Spring season to talk about roots. Let me put it into a nutshell. Think of yourself as a seed. Deep within you is a place that when germinated begins to grow. Depending on your surroundings you can become as big as a tree, as bright as a pansy, or as fragrant as a rose. Let’s define that root system as the spirit that lives deep within you. It is fed by emotions that are attached to behaviors. All of these things come from your environment. You get the picture?

Here’s the thing though you are not a plant. You are not a seed. Roots are however established within you.

Now let me talk about one other thing that I often discuss in my blogs, how to transform your behaviors by changing your thought patterns. Have you ever tried to plant anything near a tree? Maybe it’s years later after a tree has been cut down that you find it difficult to put in a new plant because the root system of the original tree is still intricately woven all throughout the ground. Well… are you getting the picture? Again, you are not a tree or even the root system of a long-forgotten tree. You are however filled with all of the patterns of behaviors taught to you over a lifetime no matter how old or young you are.

I have been in the education system for many years in a variety of roles. It has offered me a view like none other. If you spend time with people who are learning new skills, you soon understand that the hardships of life don’t leave when students walk into a classroom. Nor do the lessons learned come easy to most. It isn’t scientific knowledge that life is difficult. No matter the stage of life we are in, we will have challenges. We will also have those who believe in us and those who turn their backs at our pleas for help. But if life does not come easy it is incredibly vital that we find someone to do life with. Someone who will be able to endure unpredicted deaths, sudden and tragic losses, as well as someone who will in all sincerity celebrate when we lose weight, take on a new job, get a much needed compliment.

My critics would say that drawing images to plants or talking about self-transformation are counterproductive. So, let me offer you that which is at the heart of all that I do and say. Let me offer you Jesus. Why? Not because I need another follower to check off on the list of accomplishments. Nor for the sake of appeasing my doubters. But simply because when I talk about transforming thoughts, behaviors, and patterns I know without a shadow of a doubt that in that there are earthly limitations. Can you do it without Jesus, yes (sorry critics). Will the results be the same, no (it takes more than our logic, strength, or ability).

Some finals thoughts to today’s words for you are a list.

  1. Find someone to travel through life’s journey that offers you sincere strength and encouragement to overcome and press onward.
  2. Set goals for changing some behavior (one at a time), then allow yourself mistakes as well as set a plan for staying the course.
  3. Don’t be so quick to write off God as the one to complete a permanent change in you.

You’ve got this!

-blessings for your journey

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Easter Lives On

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I don’t celebrate Easter with candy and eggs. I don’t even celebrate Easter with a big family meal (ask my kids, I’m really bad at this stuff). I don’t even celebrate Easter because of my faith in God. Are you thoroughly confused now?

Here is why I celebrate Easter. Like the Israelites who were once held under the difficult and cruel hand of an Egyptian Pharaoh, so too I was held under the oppression of a captor. I celebrate Easter because even now that I am distant from that place in my life, I remember how I came out of it. Maybe you like me can say that you did the work on your own. Maybe you left behind some debilitating habit or behavior that impacted your life in ways that you didn’t realize were oppressive. Maybe you didn’t believe or know that you needed more to walk away, to be redeemed.

The thing about church is that like any group of members who share similar beliefs they tend to have words that only relate to them. The world we live in doesn’t typically use words like redemption, at least not on a regular basis. So, while the idea of leaving a life of drugs and alcohol abuse makes more sense to most, for me it is more fitting to say I was redeemed from their captivity. I didn’t just walk away. I didn’t just go through 12 steps and find peace. Yes, I did similar things, but I did more. I surrendered my self-control to Jesus. In doing that he redeemed me from those places of captivity. He took the work that I did on my own and made it not permanent but transforming.

When we are transformed from some behavior or thought we use a new system of reasoning in making choices. So, while I could possibly pick up destructive behaviors again, my thoughts are no longer just my own. I now have the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit whispering in my ear or as Scripture says, “a mighty rushing wind.” (Acts 2) Either way, I now have a permanent source of rescue or a redeemer to whom I can turn to give me strength and power to resist as well as joy and peace through belonging.

So, you see I celebrate Easter as a remembrance for what God has done not just through the ages of human existence, but for my own personal life experience. I celebrate Easter because I am not distant from access to God, but he lives personally within me and is always available. I celebrate Easter because I am not forgotten as a number or a statistic in the greater whole, but I am loved so individually that he knows not only my name, but every little detail about me.

I pray that you may find an Easter that is just like the transforming of colored eggs, so penetratingly new that it finds its way below the shell and soaks into your soul. I pray that you find an Easter that embraces you not only in the physical, but that it touches the deepest places in your spirit infusing you with lifegiving, redemptive love.  

Blessings my friends for your journey.

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Rethinking Selfish Behavior

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I listened intently as my pastor shared his message, but something was nagging me. It’s not my pastor’s fault. It’s not any pastor’s fault. Rather it is the way that we are each made. Do you remember 9/11? I do more vividly than I care to and because of the way I experienced it, I couldn’t help but to disagree with my pastor when he said, “I wish Jesus would come back right now!”

While it seems oddly different, I actually have a similar reaction when I tell my Aussie, “not right now” when she brings me a toy. You see every time I tell my dog to wait it is out of selfishness. Yes, I might have legit reasons for putting her off, but in reality, most of the time I just don’t feel like moving. Yet, her breed demands this constant movement. She has no control over the situation, I do. She is motivated by nature, I am motivated (or not) by logic. While this example seems silly consider how it could easily be inner linked with some greater thing in our lives. In this case, for me it connects to the emotions that surrounded me during 9/11.

I’ve told this story before, but that day when America stood still with bated breath, I wept. As many lives were lost the realization that many of them were eternally separated from God impacted me in such a way that those emotions and thoughts have never diminished. Up until that point in my life, I had logically reasoned why I could not take the time out to share Jesus with others. Like with my dog, I had pushed it away until later.

What I really hope you will take away from this post is that the human brain has immense power. It physically propels or hinders you. It holds in storehouses, memories that seem somewhat inconsequential to us but that have intense control over us. It allows us to be who we are without our knowledge because it learns our life patterns and equates this to normal response.

If Romans 3:11 is right and no man or woman seeks God on their own, can we conclude that we are not naturally inclined to do good? This is not the same as we are not capable of doing good. This might be a more accurate way to say it, “we have to consciously think about doing good because it is not natural to us.” If this is the case, it does not excuse human evil, but it does create a space in which we can find forgiveness, both for ourselves and others. It also creates a space in which we can learn or relearn. If our life patterns have been negative, according to this we can alter our patterns into more affirming and healthy ones.

I used the particular example because for me it was one of the moments in my life in which my emotions were at an all time high. Everything in and around me that day was intensified, an appreciation for my surroundings, the love for each of my closest family and friends, a innate connection to other humans, and an immense sadness for the loss. I did not recognize my response for crying as connected to my selfish behavior, but years later as I created a map of my life it was easy to recognize as a key event for shaping who I am. It is why I push back against my pastor’s comment. None of us are exempt from this natural brain activity. We are, however, responsible for being aware of it. One way is doing life mapping. When we do it correctly, we begin to develop self-awareness and from there can determine what we need to reshape in order to experience peace in life.

Pushing back against Jesus returning to earth this very moment is not because of the memories in life that I will not experience, but for the future of life that others won’t because I was too selfish to share his story with them. As you have journeyed through life, events that have involved high emotions or high intensity have occurred. How you have responded to them at the time as well as how you continue to respond to them impacts your thoughts and your life far greater than you are likely aware. Life mapping teaches you where these triggers might lie. Exploring and reimagining these events with the right help can lead you to healing and peace.

Remember you do not have to do this alone. There are multiple resources on my website. Additionally, I am always available to work alongside of you to help you make these changes. As I always say, I’m on this journey with you.

-blessings

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Authentic, Faith, or Transformation?

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“The Christian church is dying.” “Younger generations aren’t committed to coming to church.”  Add your digs or own comments to these. Any of them I will refute. No, the church isn’t excelling in the traditional ways that many of us grew up knowing. This is the part you won’t necessarily love reading. Do you remember that age in which you realized that your parents, while wise, did not hold the same belief systems that you do? That moment when you out of rote memory disciplined your child in the same manner your parents before you did, and then you realized that you wanted to make changes.

The younger generations today are doing a new thing. Careful how you read that because I did not say, ‘bad thing’. These groups of young adults are forcing us to be more honest in our faith. For them it’s not just alright to say you’re a Christian, they want us to mirror that in every aspect of our lives. Which means it is doing a couple of things. First, it is requiring us to rethink our personal beliefs and our actions which can create a deeper, richer faith. Second, it is returning the church to the image that Christ desired. Authentic. Able to see our own sins, willingly admit them, and mindfully change them. It makes you wonder who is measuring these types of statistics?

I was reading a Bible study by Lisa Harper. In it she talks about Aaron’s role in the golden calf episode (Ex. 32) Listen to what he says in v.24, “so, I told the people, ‘Take off your gold jewelry.’ When they gave me the gold, I threw it into the fire and out came this calf!” This is absolutely one of the funniest things I have ever heard! Aside from the fact that this couldn’t happen logistically, it is hilarious! At least it is until I hear my voice saying things like, ‘I didn’t do it.’ No matter how I word it when I deny my own role in my sin it sounds like Aaron’s ludicrous comment.

When we are able to be honest, real, the church has no way but up. Why? Mostly because Christ said that the church is his and that nothing would ever prevail against it. But also, because when we are thinking like Christ we are living like Christ. Each one of us has something that we justify like Aaron. Serious and deliberate self-examination reveals this to us. If in faith you have moved beyond this Aaron-like behavior, then you are fully aware of the magnitude of Jesus’ gift and receive it with a similar humility. Either way the roadblocks that keep God at a distance are removed allowing the Holy Spirit to work freely which ultimately impacts the church in great and powerful ways.

In what ways do you need to be authentic today? What things do you need to be honest with yourself and God about? I do not ask these questions to instill guilt. It is my hope that you will reflect on your need to reshape your thoughts. It is my hope that you will seek to be transformed in such a way that you will experience true, lasting peace. The only way to achieve that is through Christ. This is not a ‘pat’ comment. If you want to hear more about my story and how it has shifted, I’d love to share it with you. When I wish these things for you it is because I know it can happen, I know that you can find permanent, positive change.

– blessings for your journey

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Is Our Excuse the Same as Hitler’s?

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I am fascinated with Hitler’s Germany, the Third Reich. The history around this era is some of the ugliest history that I can in some way come close to obtaining a tangible understanding of full-blown evil. I teach a university class called “Exploring the Bible.” The connection between the two comes in the depth that I draw my students into grasping the development of Israel as a nation, as a social group, and as individual families. I want them to learn why this group of people is set aside from the onset of human civilization. Let me share a bit with you.

God calls Israel not because they are some great people group that stands out among the nations. This is what he calls them to be. He desires them to be holy, separate. This does not equate to self-righteousness but these behaviors are to be developed as they form a lasting relationship with God. One that is specifically designed to bring him honor. Not honor to Israel. It is this same righteousness that Jesus calls all humans to (1 Peter 1:16). And oddly enough, when we behave this way the world tends to see us as different, warped.

I was recently discussing 19th Century European history with my son, 15yoa, and my grandson, 13yoa. It was an enriching conversation. At one point my grandson says to me, “Hitler was not a good man, but he was very good at what he was taught to do.” I have processed these words over and over. Most of us would agree that the Holocaust was a disgusting display of humanity against itself. But really think about those words of my grandson and ask yourself how they are displayed in your personal life.

Culture defines us. Who you are begins with where you live, who influences you, what ethical or moral boundaries you are given. I will never excuse Hitler’s behavior or that of his military, but consider this: they were simply doing as culture had taught them. Imagine you are born into a family that hates or has biases. Let’s say that hatred is directed at anyone who lives in a white house. They are filthy houses, the dirt that congeals on them clearly represents the people who live in them. Even as you grow up and away from these belief systems there will always be this lingering distaste for white houses, and sadly probably even towards people who live in them.

I have not gone off my rocker. Hitler and his henchmen did just what the world around them had taught them for almost a century, to hate Jews. They did not resist it. It was a cultural/social norm. To counter this idea would be like wearing a bicentennial bonnet to high school each day in 2023. Sure, some people would stand up for you against those who poked fun, but move this situation into a larger people group, say a village, and those supporters fade into the background. Move this situation into a courtroom where someone has accused the bonnet wearer of being a thief, or liar, or worse yet a traitor. Who stands up for this person?

This is a weird blog for me, but I wanted to draw you to a point in which you might feel a little uncomfortable, maybe squirmy, or defensive because this is where you will either do your best thinking or succumb. Who are you? What does culture tell you is acceptable behavior and what is not? How much do you buy into those norms? Where do these beliefs align with your faith? Can you readily describe them by the character of God or do you make them fit to suit your needs? If you claim Christianity, you are called to stand out against the norm. What exactly does that mean? Do you need to be transformed in your thinking?

As I always say, “this is a journey.” We do life right and wrong every day of our lives. If we think in terms of Israel’s development, it begins first at a personal, familial level in which our own desires are sought to be served. From there it becomes a communal ideology in which we do what is accepted in order to be accepted. Then it flows into a national and on into a global system. We respond differently in each scenario. If you do not understand who you are at each level, you will be absorbed by the whole. The results of this can be disastrous. Jesus said to be transformed daily through a renewing of your mind (Romans 12:2), this defines a true journey in which we find strength to stand in truth.

-blessings in your travels

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The Love of God

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A barely audible whistle began to blow. It rose to a high-pitched sound that didn’t come through the window, but rather seemed to hit the window and then be dispersed against the house. Then it was gone. For about a minute, maybe more. Its return was nothing like I had heard or witnessed before. A force of wind blasted the side of the house and when the curtains were parted for a better view, black, red, and brilliant yellow shades of lightening raced across the sky in the distance. Hail pounded against the glass in what felt as if an attempt to shatter it. The world of humankind was at a standstill while nature over-shadowed it.

Into this space, my husband spoke with a firmness, as well as an absolute of care and concern. His words moved me to respond without hesitation. I quickly bade him good-bye as he raced out the door into the relentless storm, and then I headed into our basement.

These actual events remind me of another day centuries ago. Read the story in Matthew 27:45-54 about Jesus’ death. A storm ravaged the earth that day with such force that rocks split. Its power was so great that onlookers shook with fear. Nature responded, as it always does, to God. And if you can imagine it, you might hear the boom of God’s voice as he says, “This is my Son, the Beloved; with him I am well pleased; listen to him,” (Matt. 17:5). But God did not leave it there. His firm and commanding voice also might be heard over the magnificent ripping apart of the Temple veil, “I love you, my child. You must come now. Do not delay. This is for you. Trust me. The time is near.”

I believe that God spoke to the children of the world that day, but it was received in different ways. First, those who believed that Jesus was the Christ heard a whisper of urgency. The firmness in which this was received affirmed their belief and encouraged them to keep on the lonely work that reaped no earthly reward. Second, were those like the centurion (27:54) who heard the command like that of a superior officer that left room for no doubt in the action that must be taken in order that his life was to be spared. Lastly, were those who heard, saw, and felt but believed the storm would pass and their lives would not be harmed.

If we liken this image to that of God and his omnipotent love, we must see a few things. First, that God does not simply speak love. He expresses it. And his love is so great it shakes the foundations of the earth. No, no, read that again. God’s love flows from him with such force and power that the windows rattle, the earth splits, waters rage, perilous skies blot out the sun, the wind demands attention. Secondly, that his love is given without regard. Just like all in the middle of a storm can see and feel it’s power, so too can all see and feel the love expressed by God. It is in the hearing and responding that we differ. What we do with this love is the reflection of how we hear it. Can one stand by in the midst of raging water and not reach out his hand for his neighbor? Can one witness a friend’s house ravaged and not offer shelter? Are you one of those who heard the whisper of urgency because you believe Jesus the Messiah? If so, your answer to these questions most likely is a resounding no. If this is the case, a response is required (Gal. 5:13-14).

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Forgiveness and Healing

There have been some recent events in my life that have made me think of this time-honored belief, “that we should be careful not to go away angry from one another because we don’t know what the next moment will bring.” But here’s the truth in the matter. We are human, we disagree with each other, we say hurtful things at times, we just don’t always get ‘life together’ right. When we are living in these moments does that mean that our love has ceased? I can’t answer that question for you, but in my life, I get angry at the people I love without taking my love away from them.

In recent years the idea of authenticity has grown in popularity. What does it really mean to be authentic? To take off your make-up, to be comfortable in your dad body, to speak your real thoughts? Let’s be honest if we’re authentic, we are going to hurt people. It’s just the nature of the beast. You cannot be true to yourself, be real, have your own thoughts and not step on someone’s feelings at some point in time.

This brings us back to this dilemma that we may find ourselves faced with, “how do I not accept the responsibility for the loss of someone in my life, if the last words I spoke to them were hurtful? Am I unforgiveable for my actions? Am I at fault?”

These are tough words. That means that the answer to them is not clearcut. Since I haven’t met you, or if I have, I may not know what you are struggling with internally, let me start with these words: forgiveness is very hard to give away if you never hold onto it for yourself. Forgiveness is for us as much as it is for others. The first step in any place overshadowed by hurt is forgiveness. Looking inward to determine if we need to start with ourselves is key to moving on. I often look to the Bible for answers. I believe that Jesus set this example for us. Not that he needed self-forgiveness, but he needed to be focused in order to do the work he was sent to do. Read the story in Matthew 3 and 4 about his baptism and wilderness journey. I believe it shows us that in everything we do we must be intentional as well as in the right frame of mind, free of all unnecessary burdens, in order to move forward in anything.

Second, recognize that you are not responsible for the other person’s feelings or responses. And most certainly you are not capable of erasing moments of goodness and love in someone’s life. That means hurtful words cannot replace love. I’m not downplaying the raw, painful truth of unkind words or actions. They sting. They leave us reeling. But love that goes deep, this does not equate to time spent in relationship or honeymoon like feelings, but rather a relational connection that is felt in the depth of our emotions, this type of love has backbone to withstand angry words.

Third, know that words can be forgiven. Even if death or distance keep you from healing the relationship. Why? Because they start in your own heart. When there is sincere regret and sorrow over what we have done our heart begins to shift. I use King David’s story a lot because there is so much we can learn from it. About right now, I can see some of you shaking your heads doubting that forgiveness can take place in these scenarios. Stay with me. King David committed adultery and murder in pretty quick fashion. (see 1 Samuel chapters 11-12 for his story) To understand this type of healing it’s easiest to view it from an opposing vantage point.

Unforgiveness breeds bitterness and when unchecked for any length of time it has the ability to take over our lives. This is not just hearsay; it is documented truth with plenty of victims to solidify it. When we seek true forgiveness, even in our own soul, there is a strange phenomenon that takes place, we are humbled. In humbleness we recognize our weakness as well as our own dependence on others. In humbleness we are reminded of our humanness which aligns us with other humans. It’s here that we are able to see that all fall into error. We also gain a purer perspective on the entirety of life. Ultimately, we see the real power of love and its ability to overcome even the most devasting places of our lives that reach even beyond the grave.

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The Inheritance of a Father

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When I was in about the 3rd grade my biological father, who I didn’t see very often, took me to a church. I didn’t know anyone there. I didn’t know church. And I definitely didn’t know Jesus. I was given a Good News Bible and told to stand on the stage with a bunch of other young children. Then we read Matthew 5:13-16.

I had that Bible all throughout my childhood. I would often read from it even though much of it was confusing. When I was about 15 years old, I started having horrible nightmares. I saw dead people everywhere. Skeletons and graveyards. And I felt an incredible tug-o-war going on in me. Like physically.

For about 6 years, I set aside that Bible. In that time, I was swallowed whole by destructive behaviors. Then I returned to church with not just an intrigue, but a passion. Out of that return came the final stages of what I believe was a call on my life to minister. Oh, and that’s a whole other story!

I have often wondered about my journey. I see now moments of God’s presence all along. What I have never wondered about is why my father took me there that day. Or what it must have been like to be the Sunday School teachers who had to face his determination that I be included in the services very public events.

My father was not a good man. He was filled with bitterness and hate. He was abusive. He was self-serving at greater levels than most people ever know or experience. He was a victim of his father’s choices. His father was a bigamist. He was a product of his mother’s hurt and anger. And yet, I have never considered that what he gave me that day was the greatest gift he could have ever given. My mother and him gave me life, but he gave me Jesus.

If a father was ever going to give an inheritance to his children, this is the greatest by far. Within this gift, I have found healing. I have found joy and peace. I have found life. But the work was not mine or my fathers. All that is done in my life is done through God who sought me first (John 15:16). Which makes me wonder how many people go through life ignoring the signs or the tug in their hearts? How many justify self over spirit? Or self-sufficiency over dependence?

Here is the thing though. I did many things on my own throughout that space. I successfully raised children to be decent, contributing members of society. I studied English Literature. I wrote several books. I volunteered countless hours for local causes. It is likely that this resonates with some of you. I was even a happy person. But I was not complete.

Wounds from my childhood, unhealthy adult relationships, my own bad choices, and the consequences that followed all lingered somewhere below the surface. Until I was able to do what Romans 12:1-2 say, I was not complete. I want to say more today, but I think it best not to. Instead, I pray that an empty space is left within your mind and that you will take the time to consider how best to fill it up.

-blessings for the journey

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A Black Cloud

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The rain outside falls heavy on my mind. The dampness it brings seeps into my soul bringing a heaviness that bogs me down. The dark skies creep through the walls of my house and into my heart. I race around inside turning on every light. I turn on upbeat music. I force myself to think happy thoughts. Within the hour, I am curled in a ball, crying. My last-ditch efforts to pray were futile. And now my soul is filled with not just sadness, but darkness that will linger on for the remainder of the day.

Weather has a strange power to impact us this way. It is called SAD or Seasonal affective disorder. I’m not a psychologist so I’m guessing there are more disorders or diseases that are greatly influenced by weather. But that isn’t what the point of this blog is today. Yes, it is part of it, but there’s more.

This story is me. It was my life for years on end. Far too many to count. I would eaves drop when I heard people talk about different treatments. I couldn’t afford to see a counselor or psychologist. I was often suicidal and so some anti-depressants scared me. My mom once reminded me after the birth of my first daughter that I used to dress nice and wear make-up, which I had stopped doing. In a way she was reminding me of routine. The truth of the matter was that I had depression. Each of these activities were helps, but they were not cures. And I was tired of being beaten by some force in my life that I had no control over.

When I saw experts, we treated the depression. We would hash through the stuff in my life that felt oppressive. But and this is a big but – so pay attention. We did not do a few things. If we touched on the events in my life that were traumatic, we didn’t get to the roots. If we talked about childhood influences, we didn’t discuss how they were still feeding my self-identity. If we talked about faith, we didn’t begin to reach the power and depth of the Holy Spirit. And each of these things were not just moments or pieces of my life that impacted me, they were what every aspect of my life was built around.

I am not pointing fingers here I am just stating a fact. Nor am I downplaying the field of psychology. But there are limitations in every area of life. As well as the fact that not all areas address the wholeness of humans. We are complex and as many doctors have said to me, it is a practice. There is no one size fits all in any area of healing, mine included. So, what do we do with this information? How do we go about finding transformation or healing if we can relate to the opening paragraph?

I want to go just for a minute to Scripture. Jesus talks about transformation that occurs in the mind (Rom. 12:2). Jesus knows full well what social and cultural influences are and how they impact us physically, mentally, and spiritually (Zech. 1:4). Jesus also is not unrealistic when he says that healing is not only a reality, but it is so complete that it is freeing (Luke 8:26-39).

If you are stuck in these dark places you need to pursue it. There are many who do healing care that goes deeper than counseling. There is value in returning to your roots, even if your roots take you back to the moment of birth in which you can begin to see beyond any doubt that you are wanted and loved. You need to determine what triggers your oppressive thoughts and behaviors. And you need to find the way out from under these things. One of the first things you can do is consider what is important for you, are you not just religious but spiritual? Does clinical expertise have value for you or is guidance a better option? Do you have deep-seeded trauma in your past? Will it be important if you uncover these events in the context of faith? What profession are you in? Does Satan or evil forces have a stake in keeping you oppressed?

Above all you need to remember this: you are the most amazing human being! You are not like anyone else, and you will never be because you are unique! Your life is precious and valuable to the world. You are beautiful YOU! And that is why I love you.

-blessings

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What a Crazy Journey

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Blogs serve a multitude of purposes. Mine typically is to get you thinking about how you do life. The goal in that is to encourage you to seek change if life is a struggle or leaves you downcast. One way I have tried to do that is to make myself somewhat vulnerable through telling of my own stories. But I realize that sometimes that leaves people thinking I have it all together. HA!

In each of my blogs, I end with thanking you for letting me journey with you. That’s because I am on the same path you are. We’re all faced with picking and choosing which direction to go not just in the tough moments, but in the good as well. But it’s not these moments that I am focused on when I talk about transformation. These are the journey that we all must take and which we don’t get to decide the outcome even if we put a large amount of effort into planning. But determining how we face them is the place in which I am most concerned.

I often talk about our “stuff” that we bring with us. Did you know that your “stuff” helps you determine your response to the events in life? Not just how you feel about it, but how you will act towards it as well as in the wake of it. When I bring up the topic of transformation, I’m not just talking about feelings and emotions. Yes, that is part of it, but I’m also talking about the logic and the reasoning. I’m also addressing the spiritual.

Each of us live in these spaces. Some in greater ways than others. If you could divide yourself into these areas which would you find you lean into more? The terms self-aware, finding yourself, true self, are tough words in some circles. They suggest self-centeredness. In reality they are normal and healthy. Every person comes to a place where they must decide who they are. I’m talking about in a greater sense. We’re not loners. Learning who we are means more than internally. It determines how we engage with our world.

Jesus knew fully who he was and because of this he used his strengths to face his challenges. He also knew fully who others were. He either pointed it out to them as fault or used their fault to encourage them to change. Why? Because when we stay stuck in the negative thoughts and patterns that we learn it hinders our work and interaction with others. Jesus was about blessing. And he was about healthy mentality even in the worst of times. He didn’t do this on his own, he tapped into the resource of His Father, our Father, God.

When you decide which area you lean into: the logical, the emotional, or the spiritual, then you can look at the reasons why you do. You can also begin to distinguish the unhealthy patterns from the healthy. Let’s say you are more spiritual. You make a bad decision which ultimately causes you to go against God’s word, or sin. You respond by sincerely admitting your behavior to God and ask him to heal you. Or you punish yourself by condemning your lack of faith, your lack of discipline, or some other weakness. This can be done in each of these areas.

What I hope you see is that the way you respond to these situations develops who you are. If you are more apt to punish, then you may create unhealthy thought patterns. These lead to unhealthy behaviors. Oddly enough when we live this way on a regular basis we often get caught up in the cycle of unhealthy patterns. Real transformation occurs when we begin to be aware of ourselves, humble our “I can fix this” mentality, ask for help and receive grace.

-blessings  

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A Rose in a Snowstorm

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Some days the block of cement that sits on my shoulders is greater than the strength in my legs to lift me up. When I returned to get my education, my husband and I sat down and made a list. Things like who was I, what was I specifically interested in, what sort of careers would I be interested in? I think that all of those answers came back to volunteer work. The truth of it is that this is one of the most rewarding things we can do as individuals but sustaining oneself on volunteer work is impossible!

So, I chose a career that would help to support us financially. The decision to follow my path would fit into his schedule as well as that of our large family. He made a career change that was a financial strain, but that my income would eventually compensate. Then Covid hit. We made choices as a family and my career was over before it really got started. Hanging over our heads was debt. Not just I spent too much on my credit card kind of debt, but huge bills that we had incurred during my education.

Can you relate to the seriousness of something like this? Where do you go from a place that is daunting or heavy? How does this really fit into the idea of transforming one’s thoughts and behaviors? Well, let me start by dissecting it piece by piece.

First, create different spaces. I know life, job, and dreams all can get lumped together at times, but they aren’t the same. Create different ways to categorize your life. My life is the best it has ever been. I am achieving great strides in many areas. Dreams that I had not considered in the past are slowly becoming a reality. These are just examples, but there is a point. When we are able to separate life, and failure creeps in it stays in its lane. Just because we are not achieving goals in one area of our lives, does not classify us as failing. Of course, not achieving never means that, but in my western mindset this idea is prone to seep in from time to time.

Second, do not become idle. I am not saying replace one thing with another but in a sense yes. In the northern US when it is winter it is a waste of time to plant a garden. The frigid temperatures freeze any seedling, most likely before it sprouts out of the ground. You just wouldn’t waste your time with this type of activity. But you might start a seed garden inside or begin to plan for the spring planting season. Keeping the focus on those activities that feel crushing might be necessary but limit the time you must do them to a reasonable amount, and then find other activities that will build you up. Do not sit around in the negative, or the overwhelming status of one situation! I promise you nothing good will come out of this, your brain just can’t “be happy and not worry” if you’re stuck in the quicksand 24/7.

Third, praise the little things. Inflation has hit really hard for some this year. It is sort of glaring at us in the face, mocking our every effort. That makes it hard to enjoy paying the electric bill. I heard this piece of wisdom years ago and it has stuck with me. Be grateful and thankful for the little stuff like paying your electric bill. Why? Because you were able to turn your lights on last month, or use your stove, or run your AC. Whatever your little things are, catch them. This doesn’t just mean things, it means you. Maybe you smiled at someone today and they returned it. I don’t know what your little things are, but what are the things that bring joy? If that concept is too big, what things brought joy today?

I’m cheering for you, my friend. As always, I am grateful that you allow me to travel on this journey called life with you.

-blessings

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The Joy of Life

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Minutes with Monica podcast, monicaswank.org, inspirational devotions, blog, and YouTube channel is embarking on its second year. It has gone through changes. I regularly have listened to those who are engaged to determine the best way to proceed. Some options available to you have taken longer to get up and going than others, but that’s what makes doing something new fun, exciting, and best of all challenging.

This last year has been a bit of a whirlwind for me. On top of all of these things, I have published a workbook to help individuals and groups with transformational growth, encouraging them to experience healthier living. I am currently working on editing and republishing the original book True Dependence that was published in 2007, as well as working on another book. All of these things take time and energy, but they don’t diminish the reality of life. And that’s what I wanted to talk about today in my blog.

These “things” that I do regularly are because I believe in the transformation of our lives. I believe that we have the ability, as proven through science and faith, to change our negative pattern of thinking. I believe that we can experience joy in a way that it is not stolen away in difficult moments. In fact, my tagline is, “Beyond Faith to Life Transformed.” Why? Because I also believe that faith is something we do, but when we live life in the way we were created to, we experience it with purity, peace, and untainted joy.

I don’t just believe these things; I have personally experienced them! This is the real me. Not the author, speaker, or spiritual mentor. This is the me that stands behind all of the work. My closest friends know my life has been a hot mess in the past. My parents probably are thrilled to see that I didn’t get stuck in the vicious circle of self-destruction I spent so many years living in.

Living life is not easy! The junk that has held us down in the distant past often still has roots that like a weed only take the right encouragement to put a strangle hold on us again. My faith tells me that is because Satan seeks out to destroy us. According to 1 Peter 5:8-10, he was given the freedom to roam back and forth seeking out those of us who are willing to be tempted. This isn’t just about being drawn into sinful behavior. You see Satan’s goal is to draw you into a place in life that is fulfilling, that brings contentment, and yes, joy. But if you read the story of Adam and Eve in Genesis chapter 3, you will find that while Satan believes he is like God, he falls short. Life for these two original humans was complete because it was in harmony with God. When they moved away from that, the completeness was changed to one of an appearance of completeness.

This is where we live life from until we make a decision to change it. For me that comes first in realigning ourselves with God through a relationship with Jesus. This is the foundation. The strength to do the rest comes from this place. And the permanence of change. In the last year, I have faced those who think I leverage myself from a higher place than them. Maybe it is because of my faith, or maybe because they have been a witness to my life in the last twenty years. Either way it leaves me feeling completely elated. You’re probably thinking, “wait what?” In all of the areas of spiritual care that I offer, my goal is to help others achieve life-changing transformation that gives them true joy and peace. My life journey has been filled with bad decisions and self-imposed heartache among other things. If people are recognizing happiness and goodness in my life, then it simply gives testimony that change is possible! Remember, I am your greatest cheering section, I know beyond any doubt that you can do this!

As always – thank you for allowing me to take this journey with you as we travel along the road of life. -blessings

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Bold, Strong, Confident and Red Lipstick

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What are you struggling with today that is sapping your self-confidence? I equate this to the conversation that you have in the mirror. It’s the only place that others can’t really get into. It’s where you let your thoughts flood you – good and bad. While no one has access to this space, we often give open invitations. Voices of those who have influenced us flood into this space not always as their own but transformed into our own internal voices.

If they’re negative voices, they play on us all day long. Small things can become big. Mistakes can translate to self-shame. If they’re encouraging, positive voices they build us up to face the challenges of the day.

Have you ever weeded a garden? It is a constant effort. Our negative internal voices are the same way. And if like weeds we head them off early, then the fruit bursts forth. If, however, the weeds are allowed to take root and grow wild before we tend to them, they can often choke out the good.

You are stronger than you realize. What do you think when you see a woman wearing dark red lipstick? She’s bold. She’s strong. Something in her exudes confidence. When I sold make-up and women were drawn to that color, I would tell them you have to put it on, look into the mirror and say to yourself “I look great,” then walk away and not look back. It’s the same concept with those things that sap our energy.

It’s not just about positive thinking. It’s about healthy thinking. It’s about not comparing yourself to the person next to you. It’s about feeling good in your skin even when the world is not your friend. It is the power of attention to self or self-awareness. But we can’t stay in this place if we want to find health. Dr. Daniel Siegel says that we need to build inner resources, to develop an internal safe place, and then widen our tolerance so that we are not bombarded daily with the things that tend to impact us negatively.

I can’t offer you a safe place, but I can tell you mine. Sometimes the problem is bigger than us and so just handing it off is alright. Why? Because in a way we develop that safe place. The Twelve Steps of AA are similar. It is believing that God can restore us. This is an active decision in which we determine that God can overcome some obstacle in our lives with more control, more ease, and more wisdom than we can do in the moment. Making a conscience effort to hand it off is not really any different than going to the doctor. The only thing that makes it a safe place is when it is consistent and trusted. We can’t ask God to step in only once in a while. We also can’t ask him to step in, then not allow him to do the work. When we hand something over to another person, we don’t come take it back unless they prove themselves unworthy of the work.

The same should be with God. Using him as a safe place can teach you to trust not only him, but yourself as well. You have made a healthy choice to ask for his help in your weakness, in my eyes that makes you strong. And if you should need more resources there is a whole book full of them.

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Strength, Courage, Hope

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I have been thinking about a common human response quite a bit lately. I have no proof behind it, but it seems to make sense. In a way, it works itself out to be true many times. Yet, at other times it is totally unwarranted. Jesus said it best when he said that “a prophet is not without honor except in his own town, among his relatives and in his own home,” (Mark 6:4, NIV). Why is it that blogs are so widespread and accepted? Why is it that the same is not always true within your own closely knitted groups?

Yes, I know this isn’t always the case, but that leads me to another thought. Why is my ministry so hard to explain to my family and friends? Yet, others embrace it whole-heartedly? This leads me to what made it this way for Jesus (I’m definitely not equating myself to the Lord). I think a few things happen. To those who know us it is hard to grasp who we truly are. Our family always sees us through the lens that they built early on as we were growing and maturing into our own person. They have seen our not so pretty moments and triumphed with us in others. But those moments connect personally for them. When we present an idea that is new or foreign to them it is harder to embrace or even comprehend.

I am speaking here mostly as a mother not as a daughter. While I love watching my children become their own persons, I don’t necessarily identify with their changes. I suppose partly because they have developed new systems of thinking, new rules and disciplines for their own lives, and practices that align with their beliefs developed outside of the home.

I want to be clear here, this is exciting! We should jump for joy when this occurs because we have raised adults to be their own people capable of leading healthy, productive lives away from us. But there’s a catch here.

These same individuals may not be the ones who support us the most or even understand what we do. These thoughts came out of a personal place, but the more I thought about it, I realized that some of you might need a boost in life to pursue your passions. My work is helping individuals to become better people, not for others but for themselves. I help others to transform negative thinking into thoughts and actions that promote health in their lives. When this occurs, I am blessed by watching them take that deep breath as they realize that there is peace they have not experienced before.

Who are you? What passions lay at the core of your being waiting to escape? Are you living out who you were intended to be? I truly believe that we each have this place within us. Before you took your first breath, God placed within your soul a desire that is unique only to you. Yes, there might be thousands of scientists, or historians, or parents, or …, but there is only one you! So, if others who have supported you throughout your life are not your best cheerleaders, or don’t fully grasp your passion, don’t give up!

There is a hole in the world that only you can fill. I promise. I do not believe in things that cannot be proven, simply because I don’t have time for it. So, my words of encouragement today are not empty, they are not some repeat of someone else, they are genuine. They are born out of my own life in which I have continued to push forward personally as well as witnessing seven incredible kids become adults and push forth in unique ways into their portion of the world. God didn’t make mistakes! You are “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14). “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go,” (Joshua 1:9).

-blessings

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False Advertising?

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I am an observer by nature. Yes, I know if you research my name what you would come up with fits me as a descriptor quite well: advisor, counselor. However, before these things I am a people watcher. I hear and see the way individuals respond in specific situations. This is not the end. I process these things in my mind making the best attempt to understand why they act or react a certain way. I have done this my entire life. How ironic that I would find myself in a career as a spiritual advisor.

My point in all of this is that I see advertisements for those that teach positive attitudes, healthy thinking, or development into a strong leader. You hand over the cash and they make you into something great. Why do I know this, because this is my field. I follow leaders in psychology and spirituality that teach transformation of thoughts. But I am amazed at the number of people who follow these get healthy programs at a distance and are then dismayed at the outcome.

I hope you don’t feel like I am picking on you today. I also hope that you don’t think I am saying these individuals who promote this are wrong. Take it from someone who without discipline falls very easily into the negativity trap, there is healing in the work that these individuals offer. But there is a right and a wrong way.

I cannot teach you to think positively, to be a strong leader, to develop right or healthy thinking without first engaging in your life. Who are you? Who has played a substantial role in your life? What events or experiences have shaped the way you receive and process information? Without these clues as well as others there is no way to shift thoughts and behaviors. And there is so much more that goes into this such as what are my qualifications, because we all have limitations.

But you can learn these things. You can transform who you are. You can live a healthier life filled with peace. Why do I know this? Because the educated side of me has learned it. The spiritual side of me has experienced it and my physical as well as my psychological side is a living testimony. Let me start with a basic idea. This one is personal for me. Say you (or I) tend to have some anger issues. Unfortunately, this emotion rears its head at some really inopportune times which often are the same ones we would like to forget. This example is always why buying into a program without engaging in some other way with the leader of the program is often ineffective.

At the very basic level what we need to consider is what is behind the anger. It is a natural emotion, but unhealthy displays or uncontrolled outbursts are not. You see every thought drives a physical reaction. Are there things in your past that cause this emotion to surface irrationally or cause a reaction that impacts others in hurtful ways? Are there individuals who have modelled this behavior for you? If so, there is a need to realign the interpretations you have developed from years of repetitively misfiling it. What of the spiritual side of it? How does your relationship with God figure into these bursts of uncontrolled anger? Is guilt an underlying factor? Learning how to accept the grace of God while removing unhealthy anger responses are just as valuable.

You see my friends there is a way to better living, it just isn’t a one-time event. In fact, if you fall into this belief then you may actually create more anxiety, more anger, more guilt if you don’t overcome certain behaviors than from where you originally started. I speak about transformation of mind, of behavior, of life regularly. I can do so because I have experienced it. I know that peace-filled living is out there for you and me because I live it daily. In the midst of financial burdens, loss of family members, broken relationships, mom of teenagers (I just had to say it) there is hope. It comes ultimately through Christ, but it begins with you.

As I say each week, please reach out to me for more information. Visit my website or email me at contact@monicaswank.org. I love you and am grateful for you letting me journey through life with you. Until next time – blessings.

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Glass Houses Shatter

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Somedays, I get lost in what to share. This is one of those. I have been focusing on trauma and crisis for the last few weeks. What I want to be able to do from my desk and chair is reach into my computer and grab a few of you who are reading this and bring you into my physical space. I want to do this more than anything because I know with my full heart that you are sitting in the same place emotionally, spiritually, and mentally that I was years ago.

Your heart is crushing under the weight of your day, but you have so much willpower and bravery that you are going day to day in a strength that you aren’t sure from where it comes. In fact, you don’t even seem to notice it most of the time. You have dream jobs, you have beautiful families. If you were an outsider looking in, you would see something close to perfection. But you personally know the joy that is missing. Dark days or moments seep into you.

I want to grab you and bring you into my space to show you that you can have both. I want to help you unbury that event or events in your past that are casting shadows on your life. But we both know I can’t do that by way of a wire that transmits signals. And thank God! I love that we are made up of flesh, bone, heart, soul, and memories. But because we are we feel the impact of the world with more force than any other creation.

It’s in this feeling that I want you to experience relief. I long for you to feel release while holding to a memory. Henri Nouwen wrote an entire book based on this very idea. You see as crazy as it sounds there is a gift in the pain you are carrying around. Only, however, if you allow yourself to heal from it. Nouwen’s book, Wounded Healer, is designed to show leaders how to care out of this space.

These things are not just for leaders. Healing is for all of us! If you were sitting in my house with me today, what story would you tell me? If one popped into your mind, then it’s time my friend for you to move forward. The first piece of any hard work is to honestly see the truth behind it. No work is ever accomplished well without this honest overview, goals determined, recognition of obstacles, and a plan to overcome as well as achieve the end result.

If your freedom from some lifetime pain could be found just over the next hill, wouldn’t you keep walking until you came to it regardless of how exhausted you were? I write from a Christian perspective which I realize in our world often is portrayed as a false healing or hope. I assure you that what I am sharing is not false. I also can assure you that these same steps work for you whether or not Christ is your savior. My only promise that comes from faith is that it does not dull or fade away when you do the work under the care of the Holy Spirit.

Take inventory of your life. In what moments does it appear as if you are wearing a mask or fake smile to achieve your goals? Is this taking up more or less of your days? Is there some traumatic event or crisis that took place in your life? Is it possible that this has impacted your regular day-to-day living? These are questions that I call getting naked or being raw with yourself. When you can take this first step the rest are not so difficult.

I have a friend who teaches grief care. He’s like me in that he did the work personally before he attempted to teach it to others. One of the things him and I have talked about many times is that the pain does not just fade away. For him as a healer, grief is a daily weight that people carry around in which he is trying to show how they can find an acceptance that offers freedom from that weight. For me, trauma and crisis are more like a cancer that spreads via the blood stream. It becomes so interwoven that we don’t even recognize it until it chokes the life out of some important part of us. I long to give you back every aspect of yourself, but not just back to the self that you had prior to the event, but to a healthier, peace-filled, transformed you. Come through the wires my friend contact@monicaswank.org.

  • Blessings
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Misfiled Documents

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“Spiritual warfare often takes place in the realm of ideas, concepts, and thoughts.”[1] What do you reason away in your life as connected to some event or person who altered your daily joy? I can hear some of you chuckling over this idea. Some are thinking, “oh, man, the stories!” and others are more like, “pfft, whatever.” I get it. I have been in both of those places. It isn’t easy to consider this concept, I propose for several reasons, one being that we don’t really want to believe that spiritual influences have power over our reasoning abilities. I mean that is just an all-out odd thought. Secondly, we are prone to fall into a victim mentality. It is much more comfortable to accept that someone has wronged us and then to power through life pushing against this wrong.

I often say that we get caught up looking at the wrong part of a picture and miss the greater meaning. An artist once painted a picture of my daughter. The painting was almost a mirror image of her real person. It detailed her best features. It also added in the circles under her eyes and imperfections in her skin. To look at the painting as an online image was deceptive because nothing in the work of art suggested it was not a photograph. It was, however, most definitely oil paint on a canvas.

Our brain does not like deception. It likes to put things in nice, neat boxes. If something is difficult for us to understand in the psychological or emotional realm, we section it off into pieces and parts until it fits. At times we misinterpret the information and file it away in the wrong box. This is very true with trauma and crisis.

We just can’t fathom these things. Research has actually shown that our brain does not logically know how to file violent acts experienced by us. Instead, it continues to act in a response that is on high alert. https://youtu.be/a-ddSEHRWVg This video shows the various parts of the brain’s response. This is the logical side of things, but what of the spiritual side?

Is it spiritual warfare that goes on? Is it an unhealthy response or a common one to intense events in our lives? What if it is a sense of both? If you view life from a Christian viewpoint, is it not possible that the world of evil exists and if it does can it trap you in the vice of circular motion in which no real healing takes place?

The mind receives information constantly. I always use an apple analogy here. We either deflect that information, receive it and determine how it will influence our regular life, and/or we absorb it into our very core. If Satan desires to pull us away from life in Christ, then the push by him to infiltrate our core or soul is far more important than what we perceive as just being a daily reference for how to do life. When it is received at our core it is altered into unhealthy thoughts, confused thoughts, and ultimately wrong behaviors.

Trauma is a tool in which our minds can be distorted. There is no natural way to file the impact of it, at which point it is pushed away into what science calls, “disassociation” or it becomes super heightened. Either way it is the driving force behind our daily thoughts and actions.

Whichever category you place trauma or crisis into is not as important as how you approach the healing of it. Where are you today? Are you living with unresolved trauma? My friends it won’t go away. It will lay in waiting. Do not be fooled though, this does not mean it is inactive. It is regularly stealing the peace and joy that Jesus offers to us.

Today, is your chance to take the first steps towards this transformation into the life you were intended to live by God. Do not wait. I offer you several options. One is to contact me at contact@monicaswank.org for a free consultation. The other is through my workbook,True Dependence: Study Book Moving Deeper in Relationship With God – Kindle edition by Swank, Monica L. Religion & Spirituality Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com. Please, gift yourself a sense of freedom that you have not experienced before.

– blessings

[1] David Kwadwo Okai, PhD, “The Kingdom of God is Spiritual Warfare,” (Xulon Press, 2014), 45.

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Unburied Roots

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“You wouldn’t believe how many medications firefighters are taking and how many firefighters are taking them,” said a Fire Chief to me as I was leaving his office. We had been discussing the need for better mental health education and intervention.

“The worst part about a bad run is closing your eyes at the end of the day,” said another Fire Chief. I didn’t understand this comment fully until I worked as a hospital Chaplain in the Emergency Department. No, I didn’t pull broken bodies from disaster scenes, but I watched as their bodies were sewn back together or I sat with their families as they attempted to process the news of the sudden loss of life. I did and still do witness firefighters who self-medicate with alcohol because it is easier to close their eyes at night.

One of the reasons why it is difficult for them is that they relive the scene over and over. At night it isn’t the question of if they did things right it is strictly the visuals. Images that are imprinted in their brains for a lifetime. Soldiers experience a similar situation. These are extreme situations, but they are not unlike the images that anyone who has experienced trauma or serious crisis relive on a regular basis.

Years ago, I endured a violent act. Because alcohol was present at the time, I attached it to the memory. The association was a negative. Here’s the thing, I did not realize at the time or for years after that I had made this attachment. I kept doing life. But every time that I would have a drink of alcohol, I would experience sadness that typically transitioned into depression. Which if you know anything about cycles of behavior caused me to reach for more alcohol.

I did life this way from the time I was 15 years old until I was about 40. I found things, positive things, to fill myself up with but none ever allowed for healing of this early life event. Why? I didn’t even know this was at the root. I had buried the event and most definitely all of the emotions around it years ago, or so I thought.

This is exactly why “feel-good” fixes do not work. Exercise, medications without counseling, alcohol or drugs, religion. If you steal $20 from someone, invest that money into something that triples in returns, then out of guilt you give the original $20 back to the person you stole it from does not make the other $40 clean money. The benefit, or earned interest, was rooted in the original stolen money. All of the money is dirty money. It should all have been returned to the original owner.

Crises or traumas that impact us do not go away. They are like that invested $20. The root is in the stolen money even if there are good things that come from it. I had beautiful children. I had success in my jobs. But over time the roots grew so big and were so intertwined in my life that they became oppressive. Like that cash, in a sense I had to return everything that was connected to it. No, I didn’t get rid of my children or my jobs. I went back and faced things differently.

In doing so, I found some seriously dark places in my life. I faced sins that I had reasoned away. I examined relationships and began to repair them. I moved myself out of unhealthy patterns and into environments that would not just appear positive but that would give me real inner peace.

I am always talking about honesty. Honesty with self and honesty with God. If you do not knock down some serious walls you have built in your life for protection (which by the way are false) you will continue to let the roots of unhealthy thoughts and behaviors rule your happiness. If you do not allow yourself to be honest with God, you are limiting the peace that will give you life-long security, confidence, and hope.

There is promise for joy. I hope that you will let me help you find it. Please, reach out to me at contact@monicaswank.org. Until then, I’m loving you, I’m praying for you, and I am so grateful to be journeying with you as you do life.

-blessings

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Conflict in Christian Marriages

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Conflicts in marriage are normal. Not many (if any) Old Testament families got marriage or relationships right all the time. Just knowing that doesn’t always help though. The arguments in our own lives are still hurtful. We still feel devalued or undervalued at random times. The knowing only helps if we can step away from our own emotions.

Have you ever found yourself wondering how you can keep going in a relationship that feels this way most of the time? Have you ever felt alone or afraid to speak to another Christian concerning the problems in your home? If either of these, or something similar, rings true I hope you will find comfort in today’s blog.

I want to start with telling you a couple of stories. The first one is about a sense of isolation in the church. Years ago, I was there. I was in a bad place in my marriage. The details aren’t relevant here, but marital counseling was not helping. I did some research in the Bible and found that I was supposed to ask the leaders of the church for guidance. I sat week after week in the pew my heart aching. I tried to find the courage to speak to friends, but their marriages looked so good, so healthy, so right compared to mine. I was embarrassed.

So, I didn’t. Instead, I kept wearing a mask around the people who knew me best. I kept pretending that everything was great. The end result was bad, very bad! I buried it all until the weight was too much and I could see no way out. My friends, I hope you hear my voice with all the sincerity in which I am writing. Do NOT attempt to bear the burden of marital discord alone. Acknowledge these simple facts: conflict is common, even if someone has not personally experienced it, they understand it, people often are more willing to help than not, there are wise leaders in every church even if you have to ask more than one person.

I said I had a couple of stories. The second one is similar but has a different outcome. I am remarried (again the back story is not important to this blog). Guess what, I still have conflict with my spouse and no it is not all me. The nature of relationships suggests that over time two people will have differing opinions and if not approached reasonably they will have conflict. I no longer have a fear about reaching out to my church family or pastor. I actually have a greater obstacle. I am the pastor, and my husband is a local community leader.

I want you to hear these things because some of you are in the same situation. You are married to someone, or you are someone who’s privacy is highly important. I would tell you that those facts are irrelevant if society wasn’t so driven to reveal secrets. There are a few things I want to say about this scenario. First, it is incredibly important that when you have worked through difficulties as public figures you need to share them. That doesn’t mean the details unless they are valuable lessons for others. It does mean though that the rest of the world needs to see you as normal. Second, it also means that you need to seek out someone from the inception of your relationship to mentor and guide you both through these times. In fact, regardless of who you or your spouse is you should have a mentor from the beginning of your marriage. There is more value in this then I can spend time talking about here.

What I wanted for you to find encouragement in through this blog is that you’re not alone in marital strife. You also have free resources available to you everywhere, it just requires a little looking. Please, do not buy into the lie that other people in the Church don’t have the same issues that you do. One of the most fascinating things to me about the Bible is that life is in it. Not just random stories with no point or purpose, but real-life pain, heartache, and challenges exist within its pages. But something better can be found there, real, honest solutions.

– blessings

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Christianity and Divorce

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I became a Christian after I was married, but my spouse doesn’t believe in God. We are always at odds because of my faith, what does the Bible say about divorce? I hear this question or some form of it on a regular basis. I think the question should be do you want my real answer?

Being a Christian if we live it out loud isn’t always easy. Marriage is no exception. I think though the real problem is not the disharmony in the relationships that often trouble us but the fact we don’t often live well uncomfortably. I’m going to be incredibly real with you in this blog so don’t give up reading now. I can say these things for a few reasons. First, I am divorced. Second, I know what scripture says about this topic.

My daughter recently told me something her pastor said, and I loved it so much I want to share it with you here. It was the idea that no family in the recordings of the Old Testament were without some major flaw. I have not researched the truth behind this but let me just say that all of the founding fathers had issues in their homes. Moses did. The prophets were not excluded. Not one of Israel’s Kings made it through unscathed. I am saying this because I need you to see something else.

Families are just prone to be a hot mess. So, what makes you and me think ours will be any different? I will admit there is a strange phenomenon that happens when one partner becomes a believer of Christ. An unavoidable separation occurs. Jesus talks about the fact that when we follow him our eyes see things differently and our ears hear a new sound or story (Matt. 11:4-15). These are not simply changes, these are an unveiling of truth. That does not give us ammunition against anyone who has not had the same experience.

Think on Jesus’ example. He was ever patient as he met with people. In fact, the instances when he becomes the most argumentative is when he is dealing with the religious leaders who were supposed to be capable of understanding but weren’t. In every one of Jesus’ personal or intimate relationships his goal was to teach them what they did not know. He just was a living example.

When we talk about how we are supposed to live life when one person is on a completely different plane it is by using the model developed for us by the master builder. He never nagged, through images and stories he allowed his followers to see things on their own, he didn’t seek people out but instead waited for them to come to him. He didn’t abandon his closest friends; Peter, Andrew, Matthew, Judas Iscariot, James, John, Bartholomew, James (the lesser), Jude (Thaddeus), Philip, Simon the Zealot, and Thomas just because they couldn’t figure out who he was or see things his way. He also never saw himself as better than them. The one memory that should always play out in our minds is his desire and act of serving them on his last night of freedom.

I know that we are not Jesus, and these are not easy tasks to accomplish for many of us but let me leave you with one other thought. When you married your spouse, it was probably a moment of joy. At the time you said your wedding vows, you were most likely looking into the face of someone who meant more to you than any other person on earth. You probably felt a physical sensation of pleasure at the thought of them. You were driven by love, the only emotion and action that is required for us by God. A relationship with God should not diminish these experiences but deepen them. Now that you know what you do you should embrace that original love for your spouse, yes even in the arguments and difficulties that highlight your differences and love them even more.

Be encouraged to hang in there and remember to use your tools. Prayer and conversation with the Lord are still the best go to’s in times of trouble. Honesty and focus on God’s promises can give you strength. The community of faith can hold you up and provide wise counsel.

– blessings

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Marriage, God, and You

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You know I’m probably pretty controversial when I say to people that I don’t think Adam and Eve represent marriage from the get-go. At least not in the way that we do marriage and weddings today. There was no pomp and circumstance, no thousands of dollars spent, no bickering over who will be in attendance. If you’ve read the story of how Adam and Eve got their start, you already knew those pieces of information and you’re probably thinking about the verse that says, “for this reason man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh,” (Gen. 2:24, NIV). Have you ever read the next section?

Assuming that the next verse falls in line with this one, consider what it says. “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame,” (v. 25). In my opinion, this is what marriage is about. It’s not the coming together as partners. It is not the individuals; God could have started this idea of union much later – he is God. He didn’t though. In fact, marriage was always a part of his plan. So much so that many biblical authors draw a likeness between God and his people as one of marriage, and Jesus as the bridegroom of the Church.

Let me go back for just a minute. Today’s blog is about what God says about faith in marriage. If we want to answer that question, we need to look at Gen 2:25. There is more to it than physical nakedness. Oddly enough, lots of people feel comfortable in their birthday suits in public. Think about the truth of that though. There are few people in our life who are privy to the intimate, secretly hidden emotions and scars of our hearts and minds.

When God speaks about the marriage relationship he has with Israel, he is reflecting this need for dependence, honor, faithfulness, and loyalty. When we do life together with a spouse it should fill these places. It is not about a relationship; it is about a lifestyle. That is why Adam and Eve make a good example of marriage. They did life together. Every first that the world ever experienced after creation was done at the hands of these two individuals. Do you think there was ever a moment in which they needed to depend on each other? Loyalty wasn’t an option if they weren’t loyal the world as we know it would be far different, for better or worse. It isn’t really any different in today’s world. It is the differences between us that tend to create the rifts.

God warned us that if we let these differences seep into our marriage relationship that it could bring down great disaster. One specific area of that is in our devotion to him. When you look at these stories consider not just the willingness that these men had to accept other gods, but the outcome of the world around them because of their decision. Solomon married hundreds (literally hundreds) of foreign wives who brought their worship traditions with them, Israel divided and slowly began to crumble under his rule as king. Samson loved a woman who did not understand or respect his vow as a Nazirite, through her hands he was captured and died taking with him an entire group of Phillistine’s ruling men. The prophet Hosea loved Gomer and spent his life chasing after her begging and sometimes buying her return home. 

The idea is simple. We are different people. All of us. We may have many traits or interests that are similar in nature to one another, but ultimately, we do not do all things the same as others. There are things that can be altered and adapted to accommodate a relationship. When we make these adjustments there is some change in the original. He likes waffles, you like pancakes. You stop eating pancakes every Saturday morning to accommodate him and now only eat them every other weekend. When you ask yourself if faith matters in relationship consider this truth because whether you want to admit it or not you will have to face the possibility of changing your relationship with God for that of your spouse. The outcome of that choice has serious ramifications in the present and in the future.

When we alter our core self, something becomes off kilter. Remember, we are made up of the physical, mental/emotional, and spiritual. These are rooted at our core. The world around us impacts them. We make the final decision of what will infiltrate our inner selves. If that event, person, or thing creates a negative shift we are left without peace. This has the potential to lead to unhealthy thoughts and actions.

This blog is not intended to make you run out and get a divorce, nor is it meant to break relationships that are not equal in faith traditions. Rather, it is designed to share with you a perspective of what occurs both in the physical and spiritual realm. You are more than capable of drawing conclusions to what happens in the emotional and mental realms. On the other hand, I hope that you will explore the idea of marriage and faith. You can make the changes needed in your current relationships to make faith a first priority and if you’re not already committed to someone you can consider the value of this beforehand.

-blessings

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The Equality of Death and Marriage

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I get the great honor of marrying couples. This might sound a little warped, but two of my favorite things is being an active participant in the lives of those who are pledging themselves to each other and being present when people die. Yes, I know they are far from the same thing, but there is an incredible amount of honor in both. I have spent many years hearing the story of death from a first responder perspective. It is a lot more like the crash and burn fallout of a marriage that is failing. The kind of death experience I am talking about resembles a moment of peace. It is a life lived, celebrated, and experienced that is now ready for rest. Isn’t that the kind of marriage we all are looking for? So, while death and love are not the same thing, they sort of are the same.

I chose to talk about marriage and faith today, not death and marriage, but I think death brings a reality to marriage that is often overlooked for the rush of joyful emotion that surrounds it. There is a certain soberness that attends the one that should attend the other. If you’re married, you might understand where I am going. We do not get a course in this relationship. Our parents often don’t model it for us in the best light. It is a learn as you go experience. It is living richly and poorly (I’m not talking finances). It is the best party ever attended – the marriage not the wedding – and the worst hang-over experienced.

Regardless of how you do marriage it will fill these qualifications in some capacity. There is no real way around it simply because every relationship experiences ups and downs to some extent. And we get choices in it. Things like how involved we want to be, how faithful, how many hassles we’ll put up with, how socially active we make it. Yet, even though we get to make these decisions initially over time the choice shifts to include the other persons response. This is where the age-old adage about not marrying someone from a different religion or even faith tradition comes into play.

When I counsel with couples one of the things that I remind them is that while today they don’t see small differences as any big deal, that will shift as the daily excitement of seeing their partner becomes routine. As this occurs the negative qualities or differing beliefs seem to tip the scales. If faith is not shared it has the ability to separate. Eventually, you notice that your spouse isn’t sitting beside you at church or doesn’t want to join the bible study group with you. Slowly the potential for tension becomes more prevalent.

But I am speaking about negatives. What about the decision to marry someone who has your faith traditions? There is also the ability to adapt new traditions even if you don’t accept the entirety of a faith. Let me focus on the shared elements. There is not just an understanding to pray for certain situations, there is personal emotion that drives individuals to join together with someone else in these ways. Your spouse who shares your faith knows the value of prayer in every way. Worship can also enhance your relationship given its spiritual nature. When in this space together you are not just approaching your faith as two individuals but coming together in agreement to bring honor and praise to something greater.  

There is a richness in marrying someone who reflects your moral and religious convictions. You share a depth that goes beyond the tangible, everyday world. I am constantly talking about how we experience life in the physical, psychological, and spiritual realms. Take that and double it by two. Marriage unites us in these realms as well. If we are missing any one element of it there is a loss that exists even if it is not felt on the surface.

-blessings

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Climbing the Spiritual Ladder

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I come back to this topic again and again, how do I obtain spiritual health? I’ve talked about what the Bible says about it, I’ve brought up perspectives of what the social images of it are or are not. I have even talked about ways that individuals can experience spiritual health. What do you think it means to have this kind of health? Do you even think it is important for us to obtain or strive for? (Please, leave your comments)

I could create a list of items or exercises that you could use to gain spiritual health. All of them would work to some degree. It leaves me wondering though if I did this for you what would it accomplish in your life? Would you decide, like we often do on New Year’s Eve, to commit to becoming more spiritually healthy? How long would that last, a few weeks, months? Would it become a habit and regular practice?

In the last six years, I have completed a religion degree in Divinity and Chaplaincy. I have specialized skills to work with individuals from a Christian perspective. My prayer life is still about the way it was when I began this journey. There are some exceptions but basically, I did not make radical changes. At least not in my practice of religion or faith. Yet, I can attest to my level of peace shifting radically. I can also share with you that I recognize a downward spiral in my spirit and an understanding for how to alter that sensation.

So, what is the mystery? Did I get more faith from attending seminary? Did the education that I gained develop in me a more spiritual being and a deeper connection with God? What do you think? Oh, my friend, I hope you answered that with a serious NO WAY! I did learn exercises and spiritual disciplines. I did learn how to assess spiritual unrest or lack of spiritual well-being, but we don’t need to understand these things to gain a richer spiritual life.

My next comment might surprise you and maybe not in a good way, but I hope you won’t close the app before you finish what I have to say. We also don’t need just Jesus to get us to a better place. I’ve been reading a book recently about the faith journey of a young man named Andy Cochran, A Journey Beyond Comparison. In his book, he mentions the idea of Jesus’ yoke not being a place of rest but of a place of rest while we work. I love this because it echoes my belief that while Christ orchestrates our lives, while he alone grants us peace, while all that we have is gifted to us by him, he does not ever ask us to sit back and do nothing.

Look at the Apostles of Christ, they travelled great geographical distances regularly, they constantly had to seek out financial backing, they spent countless hours sharing the gospel message not just to unbelievers but to the new churches sprouting up everywhere. So, when it comes to spiritual well-being the same is true, it is not just Jesus but a focus on doing life around Jesus as our locus points. There is this constant movement in our life back and forth between that place in which our life connects with Jesus. It is not just doing life then coming to him in prayer. It is living from a perspective in which he drives all that we do. Sometimes that means we have to be quiet.

When we are in this place of rest is where we hear him, where we meet him face-to-face with respect and love, where he guides us, and where he lifts the weight of life from our shoulders and places the bulk of it on his own.

You see there is no Spiritual ladder that needs to be climbed. There is no security in doing the job right. I have several books and spiritual disciplines that I teach individuals. In a way it feels like a 12-step program only it is lacking several steps and there is no one way to accomplish the final goal. Relinquishing sin, perseverance, forgiving self and others, centering prayers, and being grounded in scripture are only portions of the whole. Meditating on God near a body of water or in the middle of the quietness of the woods are only changes in location. At the core of any spiritual discipline must sit the One from whom all peace flows.

In your search ask yourself how Christ is defined in your life? Ask how you engage with him, and in what ways your life finds its roots in him. Then trust him to strengthen you as you continue to shift your life so that all of you is centered around all of him.

-blessings

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Isn’t Yoga Satanic?

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You know when you’re a blogger you have a certain kind of freedom. Maybe that is why I like it so much. I am a free spirit. In fact, a friend recently described me as a conservative who has an inner hippy. Yep, firm in some beliefs, open to conversation and discussion on hot topics, and constantly seeking to bring peace. But this morning, as I sit here writing about the theme for the month, Spiritual Health, I am taken by the broadness of that subject. The free place inside of me is saying – have fun, don’t get mired down in the logistics of this, let it flow naturally!

What is your idea of spiritual health? You know my followers are not big on commenting, but I love to hear what is going on inside of the minds of others on this subject. Spiritual health concepts are growing (especially in the medical world) but it still is somewhat controversial. Oddly enough it is the Christian world that pushes back the most! Yoga, meditation, spiritual prayers often get a bad rap because they are seen as coming out of the Eastern hemisphere, which for some reason is associated with different religions.

Here is a very brief history lesson. Christianity went west and it went east. The founders of the Eastern Orthodox Church came out of the same tradition as the Catholic Church that went west. All of them built upon the teachings of Christ. The western church grew in discipline and works, the eastern grew in more spiritual matters. Neither was right neither was wrong, they were just different. In more recent years (close to 60 if we see a big shift in the 1960’s), there has been a movement in the western church that has been driven by the larger culture to embrace spirituality.

This reminds me of the passage of scripture in which Jesus tells his followers to leave the others healing in his name alone, saying to them, if they are doing it in my name what is the harm (basically) Mark 9:39. So, what is spiritual health? God said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job,” (Job 1:8). Did you ever consider that Job had great spiritual health? His life became a hot mess under the works of the devil. Folks, if you haven’t read the story, put it on your reading list. He lost it all! He didn’t just have to start a new career over he went from a $100,000,000+ to zero in seconds flat! Weight that would crush many of us.

You’re probably still trying to figure out my point of spiritual health. Let me bring it full circle. If you put a small circle in the center of a page and wrote God in the circle, then drew circles scattered all around the page each listing important aspects of your own life, finally if you drew arrows to and from the circles designated as yours to the one with God’s name you would have spiritual health. Let me bring Job back into the conversation for a second. In Job 9:5-10 he begins this listing of God’s amazing and mighty character that continues off and on for chapters. Each of those things you listed as yours are ultimately at the mercy of God, according to Job.

Take a deep breath that doesn’t mean you will experience what he did. I want you to see something beautiful. Verse 11 says this, “When he passes me, I cannot see him; when he goes by, I cannot perceive him.” This is a good thing. Moses had a similar experience and God warned him that if he saw the Almighty, he would die. But that’s not my point. My point is if we are like Job who unrelentingly loved God and sought to do his will even without seeing or feeling God then we are constantly, consistently living into spiritual health.

You see my friend; it is not something you can do. It is something you do as an outpouring of your desire to love God. You’ll more than likely never get it right (Job 9:20) because the simple fact is we are not perfect. But even our failed efforts are something that God desires and is pleased to see (Job 1:8). So, you could tell me that spiritual health is a place of peace, a place of constant striving towards God, a walk in the park or the woods, a song that touches your heart, a flower in bloom, a yoga exercise and I might respond with a simple ‘yes.’ There is one element that defines it: a focus so intent, so deep, so transfixed on God that it is unshakable.

In order to reach this place, we often have to let down some walls or at least barriers that are self-constructed. This sounds crazy hard because as humans we are not prone to like self-exposure. We like to hide the dark places, but if God is already passing by, then there is no hiding. When God is our sole focus, it is not necessarily easier to take off those social masks we each wear, but we learn trust and healthy dependence which breeds peace filled living.

As always, thank you for allowing me to take this journey with you. For more information on spiritual health see www.monicaswank.org.

-blessings

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Paul’s Take on Being Healthy

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Can you imagine being the Apostle Paul? Here was a man who had everything going for him. His career, his finances, his future they were all secure. His father had secured him a place in society both monetarily and socially. If we were to look at Paul in today’s world, he might be the son of a Fortune 500 business leader. His parents would be those in the inner crowd who engaged in conversation with Hollywood’s elite as well as those in high-ranking military or political positions. He could move comfortably in public as his name and face were recognized among the ranks.

My point being is that Paul had a sense of security. Some of us will never know the likes of what he was granted. Some of us have glimpses or our toes in the same arenas as Paul. That is sort of where Paul was (his toes wet) when he met Jesus and gave it all up. It isn’t the giving it up or the exchange of one thing of worth for another that I am writing about today. It is instead the fact that Paul learned that life did not center around these things.

In fact, Paul establishes this idea in the Church everywhere he went. The reason he did this was because he knew that anything outside of Jesus would not provide rest, would not provide joy, or peace. There was a little more than that, but for my purposes that is all I want to touch on. You see Paul knew above all else that if a person lives through aligning their spirit to that of the Holy Spirit the power hold of all other stuff in life will fade. Let me explain. If you are living in peace in your spirit because you are allowing the Holy Spirit to lead your decisions and journey, then when hard things hit you can retain a sense of security.

It’s important we see this from the perspective that Paul offers us. He was the epitome of what each of us strive to be in our own personal worlds. We seek to be the “best” parent, we desire to be recognized at work, we put our kids in crazy sports programs to give them that edge. Be careful how you hear what I am saying. There is no condemnation or judging going on, my world isn’t any different. But Paul had both worlds and not just a little bit. He tells us how passionately he lives both. (Phil. 3:5, Acts 22:3, 2 Cor. 11:23-27)

So, what is my point to all of this? Most of what we see done on our earth has been done in some capacity before now. That doesn’t mean we strive in vain, but at times it feels like it. When our focus is the physical our mental and spiritual natures suffer. The same is true if we reverse it. We can’t live solely in the spiritual and disregard the physical. Remember the story of Jesus in the wilderness without food and water for forty days? Our bodies need nourishment. Paul wants us to see that our spirits do as well.

We are an entire body of multiple and unique systems. When I come to you week after week and talk about spiritual health it is because this is the one area of our beings in which we tend to do the least amount of care. Yet, Paul says to forsake it leads us to death (Romans 8:6). In the weeks to come, I will break down some things that you can do to help care for your spiritual self. I hope that you will be curious enough to join me.

– blessings

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A Song for the Soul

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Spiritual health or well-being is not just an idea drummed up by religious fanatics, it’s a real thing. Everyone that I have ever met has some way of spiritually rejuvenating. As a chaplain, I often hear an immediate response to religion or church when I ask about spiritual activities or exercises. Then a look of shock when I ask them about music or hiking. What do you do to regenerate?

I personally love to get in my car and drive. I crank up the radio and just go. That’s part of it. In this space, I start to quiet the restlessness that has been nagging me. I return to the me that isn’t compounded by the mom, wife, or business owner me. I get back to the piece of me that is designed to naturally engage with the world around me as a part of it. I don’t have to control, orchestrate, or negotiate. I just have to be. This is the beginning of my rest for my soul.

I say this is a start because there is more. In this place, I experience a return. If this is all you do there is some comfort in it. It is similar to what some call centering. It draws us back to an origin. Think of it this way. Going to that place where you gain a sense of restoration is like walking into the doctor’s office or the gym. If you never get on a piece of equipment or never exercise your body, then you do nothing to enhance the physical. This is where we get healthy.

You can experience temporary moments of peace in these places, but it fades. This is more like the rest for the soul – the mind and the spirit. Spiritual well-being comes fully when we feed it. That comes through aligning with the Holy Spirit. It also comes through relationship with the Father. King David asked, “why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me?” (Psalm 43:5) But he goes on and look what he says next. “Hope in God, for I shall again praise him, my help and my God.”

This is a command to his own soul or spirit. “Hope in God.” There is activity in this space. It is not just in the moment of getting away from chaos. David knows from experience that in order to maintain a healthy spirit he must do something. Here he hopes and then praises. He couldn’t open the Bible or an audio app and hear the healing words written. His hope and praise stemmed from recalling the ways in which God had helped him in past times.

The desert mothers and fathers lived removed from the epicenter of life, but they were never without growth or a richness within their own spirit. Prayer was an element of all that they did. We must understand though that when I say prayer, it is not a request for some personal need. It wasn’t a passing show of gratitude for that which God had given to them. They lived simple lives, in the hills and caves of the desert, worldly possessions were not forefront in their minds. The prayers they experienced are recorded. They have become widespread practice. These are moments of listening. Times in which their relationship with God is more important than the trivial places of the world. When we listen and rest in this manner, we are vessels capable of being filled with his goodness.

We also have the Word. I am always amused at people who think the Word didn’t exist before the written document of the Bible. John chapter one says that before creation and at creation the Word was. If Jesus is the Word, then it has always been. We tend to think of the formal written documents we have, but oral words are just as powerful. Ask someone who has been offended by their best friend through a verbal slur. The Word teaches us. It guides us in life decisions. It reminds us of God’s might and love. Part of spiritual well-being comes from daily exercise in the Bible.

So, take out your spiritual weights and start doing some heavy lifting. When it’s been a month you will even notice you’ve lost pounds of “stuff” and started to develop muscle. Spiritual muscle can carry you up the side of a mountain just as well as any other body part you strengthen, even if it isn’t made of stone.

-Blessings

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Replanting Our Roots

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My blog is about giving resources to my readers so that they can experience a “healthier” self. At the same time that is one of my least favorite tags that people use. In reality the world isn’t about us as individuals, but more about who we are as contributors to our communities. Did you ever see the Lion King? Timon and Pumbaa spent their days trying to make Simba a better lion. Why? If he became King, as his friends, their worries in life were over.

When I thought about this idea I thought about my tagline, “beyond faith to life transformed.” It says the same thing as those who claim to show people how to find healthier living. In fact, the church has called it discipleship for centuries. Without growth we are stagnate. We settle in and eventually weeds grow up around us. This happens regardless if you’re a follower of Jesus or not.

I’ve spent the last month talking about the topic of parental influence in our lives in my blog, podcasts, and videos. Each has presented a different focus. This is an important angle for us to start from when we talk about a healthier psychological and spiritual self. It also ultimately influences our physical self. Today, I want to conclude on this idea of communal health obtained through individual well-being. To do that, I’m going to jump around a bit and bring it from the foundations of Judaism and Christianity.

First, the idea of a healthy community comes out of the creation story in Genesis. The original intent for all life was to live in tandem. No one species was given reign to overuse or abuse. When we as humans live in this self-focused way, it runs counter to our natural design. This should leave you thinking in unselfish terms. A cycle of life in which all contribute to the health of others or the earth. Hear me clearly, I am not talking about a political perspective. I am talking about establishing in ourselves the desire to care about others, as well as all aspects of life, with the same level that we do for our personal selves.

A second thought stems from the development of tribes in Israel. These family groups were put in place to establish order and to build upon the community by teaching the younger generations how to live in a way that honored God. Again, there is no selfish living in this space. The pattern of boundaries is developed here. Not from one social group to another. All members of the greater whole lived together. The boundary was in understanding human limitations. When we grasp a healthy view of these limits, we learn to live within them without destruction to others.

Remember my comment about weeds growing around us? If, we live this way or do nothing towards changing unhealthy patterns that may have been rooted in us, we are not caring for others and we are not comfortable in boundaries. Parents plant seeds in us, but they are not always the ones to water the plant. We spend a very brief time with the serious influence of our parents. Certainly, this can last a lifetime, but a shift occurs in who impacts us the most. By the time we leave our parents home, the seed of who we are is planted. Its roots exist and it has begun to sprout. The true plant grows from this space.

The choices we make in life, the friendships we maintain, the romantic relationships we engage in determine who we become. These are all decided by our actions. Yes, they come from our interpretation of life as was begun by our parents, but we either allow or discard these beliefs. This is the becoming part. Here are some very easy ways to help us measure our choices.

  1. Do those we do life with contribute to their community?
  2. Do those we do life with have concern for all life?
  3. Do those we do life with seek ways to improve themselves in positive ways?

We can then turn those questions around and ask ourselves the same things. If we are continually moving towards understanding ourselves, seeking to improve unhealthy patterns of thought or behaviors, we are growing in such a way that society will benefit. If we are making these decisions so that God’s plan for all humans to be reconciled to him is central to our purpose, then the fertilizer for our souls is the best available. It is in this space that we will find transformation of our ugly places being orchestrated by him.

Keep growing my friends! Blessings for your journey.

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You Are NOT Wearing That!

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Some of the best conversations I have are with my 17 yr. old daughter. Yesterday, we had a “discussion” about the type of bathing suit she was going to buy this year. Those of you who follow me regularly are probably thinking, “I thought she was talking about the influence of parents this month.” Well, have you ever had to help your daughter to understand what she can put on her body for public viewing? Ha! I would say that revolves completely around the subject.

Actually, it shifted to a dad’s perspective in a more general sense. That ended up including the male and female interpretation of women’s clothing, men seeing women as sexual objects, and on what our respect should equate to for the other gender. Not only do I have 5 daughters, I, also have 2 sons. The talks with the boys are just, if not more, serious than they are with the girls when it comes to the opposite gender.

What I could not make my daughter see was that irregardless of what she thinks her father is really like as a man, she has a fairly healthy vantage point. When she was little, he was the world to her. She snuggled with him, she sought him out to play with her over me. Now, that she is older she butts heads with him on views yet, the way in which she gains her worldly opinions is driven by him.

As a witness of his love and care for a family it has been just the same. He is a provider by nature. Which equates to some absences. On the flipside, he is actively engaged with the kid’s activities. She also may not clearly be able to interpret the love that him and I share. This is how it is with most of us as children. We see and are impacted by the influence of our parents, but we don’t always have the ability to understand it completely.

The topic of women’s clothing choices and how they are misconstrued by some men was a hot topic for her. Why? Because she has never had to doubt her safety with her father. She has had her fair share of arguments about what she will and will not wear, but for the most part he is silent about her clothing. Her choices are developed out of this sense of confidence that she can be her own person without losing her father’s respect.

I am not trying to voice a political viewpoint. Oh, I have my opinions – I am a Taurus! The three of us eventually came around to this topic though. How choices made by the social whole about men and women are often extreme to one side or the other. Let me explain in terms that relate to our parental influence. Both genders are born with innate qualities. Male humans are no different than males of any other species. Their natural tendency is to procreate. That makes them instinctively sexual creatures. Sadly, they get a bad rap for that truth. Of course, most likely because a select number of them abuse it. I digress.

A man that is also a father of a teenage girl must reconcile this natural response. When it is a healthy relationship, they may struggle to view their daughters in clothing that they fully understand is interpreted in a sexual way to some men. Carefully read those words. I am not saying that is her intent nor am I saying it should be perceived that way. There is no blame being placed here. What I am saying is that men are tuned into sex differently than women. They are fully aware of it. Naturally, they are driven this way. As a father and a man, they know other men are driven this way too. They also know that not all men will treat their daughter with the respect and love that she deserves. That is all that he wants for her. Since he knows that things are misconstrued, whether right or wrong, the bikini on his precious, beautiful, teenage daughter is a real source of tension in his mind.

If you are not clear about how this relates to parental influence, let me insert a few concluding thoughts. A healthy, safe relationship with the parent who is of the opposite gender from us allows us to interpret social norms differently than one that is not. We do not have to agree on all topics, but the ability to disagree with our parents allows us to develop our own opinions of our world. Freedom to express our own personality as children, within boundaries and under guidance instills a confidence to face greater challenges in healthier ways.

Yes, there is far more that factors into this subject. We will never fully touch on all of it here. The point of the blog is to give us one particular view from a child and a parent. It is to help us better understand that regardless if it is a healthy or unhealthy upbringing we cannot escape the impact of these early childhood relationships. That leaves us with a choice as adults. If we desire peace in our lives, if we long for some better way, we can either keep pushing through or we can seek out healthy resources to assist us in making that transformation.

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Do I Really Act Like My Dad?

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Did you ever wonder about those mother – son, father – daughter relationships? Why are they different? What causes us to be more drawn or more distant from one or the other? There are more than a few theories on how these are developed as well as how we are impacted by them. What you find here might resonate with you or feel very obscure. The goal is to encourage you to view your relationships through a lens of understanding. If something seems amiss it is because mental and spiritual health is not a one size fits all, not unlike the physical.

While we do not understand every minute detail of the relationships we have with our parents, there are great things to be learned from viewing them from an outsider perspective. We often hear that we choose our spouses or significant others because they are like our moms or dads, but what does that really mean?

For females a father provides a piece of her identity. He shapes it through his tenderness, or love. His distance in a relationship alters her self-image and ultimately her sexuality. As a child the daughter aims for the father’s attention. The way in which that is received has the potential to shift the ways in which she seeks out future male bonding, especially sexual connections.

On the other side of things men typically gain their masculinity from their mothers. Based upon how they relate to this early relationship they may develop more feminine or masculine qualities, or simply grasp the way to maintain bonds with women. The ability that a man has to commit in his adult sexual or intimate interactions is said to have its roots in how he engaged with his own mother.

Let me use this as an example: a father is absent from a daughter’s life. We know that likely there are important aspects of who she grows into that are influenced by this loss. Yet, to what depth do these go? Women are more prone to early sexual behavior without the guidance of a father. These types of signs can be present as young as 8-9 years of age. These women are not just seeking sexual activity prematurely, they also tend to seek marriage at younger ages.[1] What about the abusive or demanding father? How do positive and doting fathers impact their young daughters? Obviously, I cannot address every angle here in this small space, but it is important to understand that our childhood relationships, especially those with our parents, are deeply ingrained. Regardless of our push back on these formative connections, we are molded.

What happens if a man has a mother with whom he gets too entangled in her femininity? They run the risk of having numerous sexual relationships in order to “conquer” this power of control over their lives.[2] Each opportunity for intimacy will be influenced by this internal thought process.

So, what happens now that you understand this with a little more depth? Are we stuck in these identities that were most likely shaped by our parents unknowingly? Can we avoid creating these types of learned behaviors in our own children? Every thought can be transformed! Some just take more work than others. Again, my go to is the constant reminder we have that Christ says we can be made new in him. If you sense that you may not be in a healthy place, then my recommendation is to reach out to me via my website www.monicaswank.org. Together, we will determine what steps are necessary to start you on the road to personal peace. My response is just the same if it is not a place of difficulty you find yourself in, but rather a transforming of your thought patterns is needed.

We are like every other element of creation in that we are adaptable. We are not meant to live in disharmony with ourselves or others. When we allow Christ to move in us, permanent change can occur. The first step in allowing this to happen is to admit it. This honesty as well as a continual effort to be sincere in the conversations around tough life topics offers us the chance to reach life-long peace. Sometimes you need someone to journey with you. Start with these steps; outside guidance, honesty, sincere effort, and you may find just what you’ve been looking for in life.

-blessings

[1] Victoria Secunda, Women and Their Fathers, (New York, New York, Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group, Inc., 1992), p. 198.

[2] Men and Their Mothers, Life Love Leadership, https://lifeloveleadership.com/men-and-their-mothers/.

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I Have My Dad’s Nose

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We get our eyes and hair color from our parents. We get the shape of our noses. We get their heart disease and possibly their diabetes. Do we also get their alcoholism or abusive nature? Do they influence our gender identity? We know that physical traits are undeniably passed down from one generation to another, but what about mental characteristics?

In the next few weeks, I am going to be focused on this topic. I will cover some broadly while others will get a little more specific. I am sharing this because it might be a good time to invite a friend or family member to visit and subscribe to my website, www.monicaswank.org. Did you know in addition to the blog, I also do a podcast, Minutes with Monica, and videos? Did you know that I do individual and group sessions? Did you know that I am getting ready to publish a Bible based workbook?

I often speak about the influences of our parents in our lives, but the nagging question for some of us is just how deep does that go? Since I am prone to draw images let me give you this picture. I like to think it is like water. There are streams, creeks, rivers, oceans (and a whole lot more I won’t list). Immediately, you understand that some of these are deeper than others. They each have distinct characteristics, yet they are all water. All offer resources to other life forms in greater capacity than others. So, it is with humans and more specifically with the transfer of traits from one generation to another.

Another phenomenon happens with water. It shapes and molds the earth around it wherever it flows. The earth also impacts the pathways of the water. Therefore, if the suggestion is made that our traits can be symbolized by water, we must theorize that all are changeable.

Let me be clear about something. First, as I am speaking in broader terms, I am not giving any specific diagnosis (something I actually never do). For example, alcoholism has both genetic and learned behavior patterns. While aggression is often developed through observation. Both can be overcome, changed, or transformed in our minds which ultimately reflects in our behaviors. The original question was, do we get these things from our parents.

I believe we do. The Bible speaks very clearly about how we should train a child. There are a few examples I want to share. The first is that we should allow them to be on our own hearts. When something is natural (whether good or bad), we often reflect it in our actions. This is followed up with actions, such as impress them, talk about them, keep them as written symbols that are daily visible (Deut. 6:6-9). If your parents exercised this type of training in your home, you very much were influenced. This speaks specifically to positive teaching, but would you not agree that negative training when reflected regularly in these ways can have just as much influence on us?

Studies show that girls and boys are impacted by the relationships that they have with both their parents individually. Fathers have an incredible power to build up their daughter’s self-esteem or to tear it down. But do they have the ability to influence their children’s gender identities? How about mother’s, what role do they have in the building up or tearing down of their children’s confidence, future role in their own families, social interactions?

I get deeper into these conversations in the weeks to come, I hope you will follow me as we move through understanding ourselves through these relationships to learning how to heal ingrained thought and behavior patterns. Subscribe now to be sure you’re not missing any upcoming blogs.

– blessings

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A Piece of Art

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Life alters us every day. The words and actions of others around us impact us for good or bad. Actions of individuals or groups leave us wondering if we should alter our own behavior. We are adaptable, malleable, pliable. Science is not the only arena in which we learn this idea. Philosophers have talked about it for ages, authors have witnessed and recorded it, religious leaders and psychologists depend on it.

This is what makes us so amazing as human beings. It also gives us hope. Both my son and my daughter-in-law worked with teenagers who were trying to make their way through life often without the resources to do so. Even more than that some of these children had been handed a lie early on in their life, but no one had shown them how to see any differently. It is an ongoing struggle in education, public service, and healthcare. It is a belief that who I am when I am born, or what family I am born into is who I will be until I die.

Consider for a minute your age. Then think about how many life altering changes you have experienced personally. If you’re twenty this number has a possibility of being far less than someone who is say, sixty. With each event or trial, you most likely went through some small change in who you are. That often is explained as learning. We gain wisdom either by making the right or wrong decisions.

I believe it is more than this simple explanation. There are several factors that play into it. First, we are who we are designed to be individually and naturally. Secondly, we collect and process information throughout life from those who have influence on us. When we make a spiritual commitment, we are impacted once again. Trauma and crisis play heavily into shaping us. I could go on, but I think these are the greatest factors in defining us at the core.

If we always live into the negative, like some of these teenagers I spoke about we assume nothing else and ultimately stop looking for that change to occur. The example I have used is extreme, but we each have some level of it molding us. In some ways we give up hope of who we could be because it is easier to be who we were ‘destined’ to be at birth. Yet, as I just very briefly suggested this theory is non-existent. So, how do we power through this thought?

I say this all the time, it really comes down to our ability to be honest with ourselves and in my opinion with God. It is dishonest to think that the world does not change for us, that we are stuck in our circumstances for the remainder of our lives because if we look around all of creation suggests otherwise. It is honest to say it will be difficult getting around some of the obstacles present in our piece of the world.

Resource versus help is my mantra so, I would like to leave you with some things for you to try. It is important for you to note however, that these are not solutions. If you find yourself in a place where life looks immovable you might want to consider some choices. Counseling is a great resource, but you should know it is not the only one. There are life coaches, mentors, pastoral caregivers. What I leave you with are simply ideas for shifting your thoughts. They are activities to give you different perspective. When you utilize them correctly, they will only begin the process of change. The next best thing you can do for yourself is to seek out guidance so that the beginning steps become ingrained in you, hopefully creating lasting transformation.

This week as you think about who you are also think about who and what have played a part in who you are.

  1. List out life circumstances or self-thoughts that you think hold you back?
  2. Label why.
  3. Draw out a mountain for each circumstance.
  4. Label options for reaching the top along the side of the mountain (you should have more than one option)
  5. Consider and list what resources you can use to obtain these steps.
  6. Share these choices with someone who empowers you.

I have to tell you that writing out this exercise makes me a little nervous. Choices for scaling the mountain should not have negative consequences. They also must take every person into consideration. Unless you live in a bubble, your actions impact those around you. I do not recommend this exercise for major decisions such as marital or relationships. Those are serious choices that require deeper consideration. This list works best for empowering you to overcome negative thoughts and patterns.

For further information and resources visit www.monicaswank.org. Visit the home page to schedule a mentoring consultation or to contact me.

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How Do You See the World?

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Who and what are influences in our lives? I want to be very careful as I approach this subject. When you read the first sentence of this blog you may have already begun to think about the who’s and the what’s in your own personal life. The reason I tread lightly here is our society has changed in such a way that we often find ourselves and those around us ready to place blame. I am not pointing fingers, I am simply stating that there has been a shift in western social norms.

Our influences factor in on how we think and ultimately how we behave, but the size of their power is determined by us. They have no real power in our lives. It must be granted to them by us.

In this blog, I want to break down who our influencers are and then give a brief insight into what leverage we may nor may not have given them. I’m going to start broad then narrow it to the more personal. First, let’s consider the culture in which you live. This piece of your circle creates a norm for your marriage, the size of your family, your gender role, your education, and career choice. This list is far more exhaustive than this, but for the sake of space these are the areas I have chosen.

All around you are suggestions for you in these areas. If you are a career woman you probably gravitate towards those advertisements and conversations in which women are portrayed as powerful. Perhaps, the opposite is true. Maybe you are a career woman who wishes you played a larger role as a mother.

Here’s one I bet you didn’t think of, why are pickup trucks growing in popularity in the United States? They use far more fuel than a family sized car. They are bulkier, they are more difficult for getting in and out of, yet they are one of the fastest growing vehicles. Sooper articles says the one thing that comes to my mind instantly, they represent toughness.[1] Think about advertising for trucks. They either promote fear of the open road without a truck, or they reflect power.

The truth of it is that even if you live in mountains of western U.S. or the northern east coast, snow does not inhibit your driving enough to purchase a four-wheel drive or truck. However, the marketing departments for truck manufacturers want you to think that way. I am not trying to bash on trucks. My point is pay attention in your life to why you make the choices you do. Buying a truck that reflects power in the U.S. fits right into the culture. Becoming a career woman or going to college or building your own home all are built around cultural influence.

Let me turn to more personal influencers. How about elementary school teachers? As a child, you spend a large part of your day with these men and women. More so than in the upper grades where you have multiple teachers. If your parents are working parents and you go home under the “watchful or not so watchful eye” of an older sibling, that teacher takes on greater impact. If your teacher is kind to you, nurtures your individualism, encourages you through your challenges, you develop a sense of confidence. If that teacher’s time is limited and she spends a total of twenty minutes out of six hours talking to you, if he requires a set standard for all the students or brushes you aside when you struggle then the take-away causes you a sense of failure. These are life long inner voices for you. Almost all of you are recalling a teacher that left you with one of these two feelings.

If you apply that experience to your home, your church, your dance class, or sports team that influence is either diminished or magnified. You are human my friend. That means you are who you are because influences made you. But all of that can be shifted. Those voices only have power if you give it to them.

God said, you “are fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14). God said, you are created “in our image” (Gen. 1:26). The truth goes back to who you are created to be not who the world has made you to be. The only way to understand this is to align your personal thoughts to that which is predetermined about you.

Here is a small step you can do to determine your inner voices.

  1. List out your influences. Choose the ones who have had great impact (absentee parents have incredible power, really think through who you list)
  2. Next to each name list out the inner voice or sense of self you gained through these relationships. For example: Dad: pull yourself up by bootstraps=self-reliance
  3. This is the hardest part. Determine if you listen to that voice. Circle or highlight them if you allow that voice or person to influence your thinking today.
  4. The next hardest part. Is that a healthy voice for you? Going back to our example. It’s a catch 22, self-reliance is good to an extent, but if you never allow yourself to let others do it for you then you are rejecting a key component of community which is not healthy.

This blog is meant to help you learn to recognize yourself in a more honest way. You can take it a couple of ways from here. You can use this new skill of recognizing your inner voice and begin to weed out the negative. You can also seek someone to help you process this information. That is a next step in transforming your thoughts into healthy peace-filled living. Easiest way to do that is by going to www.monicaswank.org and schedule a free consultation. You can also get on the waiting list for my workbook coming out in March by sending me a message at contact@monicaswank.com.

-blessings

[1] Johnnie Rame, “The Popularity of Pick-Up Trucks,” Sooper Articles, October 21, 2021. Accessed February 21, 2022. The Popularity of Pick-up Trucks – Trucks (sooperarticles.com)

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Is There Any Guarantee?

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Do nine applications have the ability to change your life? What if the number was seven or even fifteen? Is there a magic number? In my first book, I unknowingly used nine with the final reflection on the outcome. My workbook purposely has nine as well as the book I am currently working on.

Do you have any rockstar friends? These are the people who I think of who are always engaged in exercise, healthy eating, mental and/or spiritual wellness. It is ritualistic for them. Not in a bad way. They just don’t ever seem to lose focus.

Do you bulk at change? Are you weary of new trends or new year resolutions? Does a diet feel so temporary that you would rather not even engage in the first place? Is the idea of going to a counselor unsettling because it has the same feel as trends or temporary fixes?

If that is what you think, then I get it, because I do too at times. What happens when your back is up against the wall? Does the way you look at dieting change if your doctor gives you disturbing news? Does church or spiritual care look different if you’re lacking hope?

I am well aware that I have asked a large number of questions in this blog, but I have one more? Why does it seem like we wait until a pivotal moment to make healthy changes? We all have habits. Which means that you most likely understand that to change them it can take a while. This is one of the reasons why I wait. I love hard work (to an extent). I love feeling good or looking healthy. I just really don’t want to commit myself to this kind of regiment. I have seen people lose weight and get healthy only to put it back on in a year (heck, I’m one of those people). I have seen people leave behind unhealthy relationships just to reengage in another one. I often feel as if there is no guarantee in all this hard work I am being asked to do.

In transformation there is no set number of actions or days that it takes someone. That is true for any type of change. I chose nine applications because it connects to the armor of God in Ephesians 6. Those are just the beginning steps. Like exercise, the fitness plan does not lessen as you gain strength. In making soul changes, it is the same. You will see a difference, but the final shift does not occur until one day when you are not even noticing. It’s when you look in the mirror or respond to a situation and recognize that you are no longer dealing with old habits. What you see instead is a lifestyle change.

This is where I often get stuck. It is this serious tension in me. I know I justify it with the lack of guarantees but pushing against that is the fact that not making the change is harming me.

It is the tug of war between logic and truth. If I am worried over my weight and every time I think about it, I feel stress, why do I not do something? If I constantly get frustrated with myself for buying processed food, why do I keep doing it? If I feel groggy and slow because I need more water, why don’t I drink more? If I am worried about my soul, why do I sleep in on Sundays? Again, I think I might know why?

When I tell people I am a Spiritual Mentor, I think it leaves that same unclear thought lingering in their minds that the starting point of change leaves. Sometimes, I wonder if I should say, Soul Mentor? Remember the poem, Footprints in the Sand? As you read it, you realize that God has picked the person up in the middle of their pain and carried them through the heaviest of burdens, but for the rest of the time, they walk side by side. The journey describes my role, but it also determines the starting point for all of us.

Sand is most commonly found in deserts or along the edge of water. To get to that point we must step off one path unto another one. But just like this poem, that should occur in tandem with someone else. Life is not meant to be done alone. Today’s blog is about beginning. There is no practical exercise to try alone because my hope is that today you take that first step out of the grass onto the sand as you partner with someone to journey along the shore or in the desert with you. If you have found your way to this blog, ask yourself why? Was it an error or providence? Depending on the answer, you might want this information: https://calendly.com/monicaswank. All consultations are free.

-blessings

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On Level Ground

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You’ll hear me talk about a toolbelt from time to time. Let me first explain where that idea comes from. I draw that image from the Bible. In Ephesians 6, God tells us to put on his armor. This is much more than simply excepting faith in him and then doing life our way. In fact, once again you could trace a piece of my website back to this nugget. Not only do I talk about a toolbelt, but my tagline is, “beyond faith to life transformed.”

Why? Faith is not the hardest part of this journey we call life. Even faith in a Creator God isn’t all that challenging. What seems to be the deal breaker is following his guidelines. The understanding of what that is also is easy to grasp. Simply put we like doing things our way. But this blog topic isn’t about faith. It is about armor, and I believe that whether you have faith in God or not you can benefit from armor.

I will always tell you that without the key component of a relationship with God your self-work will teeter on the return to the negative. However, this topic is based on a tool in your belt of resources. A level is used to determine if measurements are correctly done. They are capable of defining vertical and horizontal surfaces for accuracy. As we move through life, especially as we make process in rethinking our self-thoughts, we need to constantly be aware of movement away from the place that we determined to be level.

Part of this begins at awareness. When I work with individuals to determine their ‘level’ ground we talk about being on alert for any shifts away from this place. If a builder is setting the blocks for a basement and one block is set just slightly ajar, then the whole structure that eventually goes on top will not ever be square. The same is true with us. If we allow a small shift, then we are apt to allow another one, if this process continues the potential for the base in which we have worked to make healthy will revert back in some way.

Things for which we need to be aware are those influences that drag us away from healthy self-thoughts. Let’s say you are prone to believe that you are not worthy of being loved. What could shift your foundation. Broken friendships, bad dates, an argument with someone special, being snubbed at a public event, all have the potential to influence your self-talk in damaging ways. Someone’s snide comment has the same impact.

Here’s the truth of it. These things are going to happen. We live in a world that at times is insensitive to the spirit of others. In all honesty, you’ve probably said something at some point that has knocked someone’s soul for a good spin. The key is being aware and then knowing how to get your level straight again. The problem with giving you a definitive answer is that for each of us that looks different. I have a good friend who let’s snide remarks roll right off her shoulders. For me, if that comment comes from someone I am close to, I have to weed it out so I don’t let it seep into my core thoughts.

That last paragraph is hard for me because I always say I don’t want to be a help, I want to be a resource. So, let me give it my best effort in trying to provide one. Be alert to any of the following things that can become influences if allowed into your belief system.

  • Are they (comments, arguments, etc.) meant to hurt you? For this you are going to have to be really honest with yourself. Not all things that are negative, especially arguments, are designed to hurt. They often are just misunderstandings. Part of determining the intent is to point-blank ask.
  • Do the words or events have truth to them? My husband once told me that the candy bar I was going to eat was going to go straight to my backside (not nice, but I had asked for help with changing my eating habits). Was there truth, yes. Were they meant to hurt, no. Examine them with finite detail. If you are prone to believe the bad immediately or don’t often see your own errors you’re going to have to weed through these carefully.

Healthy self-talk is not dishonest. If you are wounded by some of the above things, or your alertness button tells you that you need to key in, there is work to be done here. The best way I know to encourage you to do this is through the image God has of you. He says you are special, you are loved, and you are made in his likeness.

My friend, I always worry over you out there trying to make these changes on your own. I pray for you regularly. If you need or want help as you travel on this road called life, please, please, contact me. On the home page of my website, www.monicaswank.org is a contact link. Reach out. If you’re worried about location, the internet is an amazing thing, and we can always video chat.

Thank you, my friend for allowing me to take this journey with you. I love.

-blessings.

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Be Strong and Courageous

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Courage is one of those words that for some reason seemed to get lost in our vocabulary. We skirt around it with sayings. Such things as; ‘take heart, you can do this, believe in yourself,’ tend to come out in conversations when we realize that someone is struggling in a moment of indecision or hardship. There is nothing wrong with these words, but if you are the one facing difficulty wouldn’t it feel completely different if someone placed a hand on your shoulder and without hesitation said, “take courage.”

When I think of courage, I think of soldiers facing death. I think of firefighters battling a large and unstable fire. I think of someone jumping into rushing waters to save a child. Or someone who steps in at a moment that could result in someone else’s peril without intervention. It takes courage to be the person facing these events. If I am struggling with a difficult moment in my own life, I want to be courageous or at least feel as if I have the ability to do so.

God uses these words in specific situations. To Abraham as he requires him to trust in an entirely new way of life, he says, “do not be afraid” (Gen.15:1). He speaks them to Joshua as he is taking a nation of people into a new land (Josh. 1:6). King David’s officer Joab, spoke them to his men as they prepared to fight (2 Sam. 10:12). The angel of the Lord spoke them to Daniel when he is given a vision of the future of his people (Dan. 10:19). The words, “be strong and courageous,” have not just hope for what is to come, they reflect power. We need power to move through trying moments in life.

Do not discount the problems you face. You are in the space and time that you are for a reason. Perhaps you were not called to be a soldier or a public servant who faces danger, but you were called to walk through moments in your own life with courage. Your life matters as much as any other life matters. When you succumb and turn from difficulty rather than walk into it, two of many possible things happen. First, your self-confidence is shaken. Secondly, wisdom is limited.

When our confidence gets battered around, we tend to live back into self-deceptions, “I’m not good enough, someone else can do this better, I’m weak.” When we stifle life experiences that include challenges, wisdom that is gained for our future as well as another person’s is not given a chance to grow. Life instruction is squelched before it is given root.

Have you stepped away from a situation in fear or uncertainty? Are you facing something currently that seems far too large to take on by yourself? What if you have failed or you do fail? Well, simple answer is you’re just like the rest of us, you’re human, which means you’re prone to do these types of things. While that seems insensitive there is truth in it. I want that idea to hang with you for just a moment. There is value in hearing truth, allow it to soak in. You are human and you will have fears that cause you to falter.

Okay, the truth has permeated you. What to do next? If you are facing a particular challenge in this moment my answer to you is, “be strong and take courage.” You can face it and come out on the other side. If in you is a lingering memory of a challenge you faced and backed down from take comfort that you are not alone. In the thousands of years many have taken the same journey. You must make a choice though. If you have not been able to move passed it there are a few things you can do to move forward. Both of these situations, past and present, can benefit from this simple exercise.

  • Write the main event that is now a memory or the current challenge in the center of an 8 ½ x 11 piece of paper then draw a circle around it.
  • Now separate the paper into 2 sections by drawing a line vertically from the top and the bottom of the paper to the circle.
  • If this is a memory treat it like a current event.
    • Label the top left corner, “obstacle/decision.”
    • Then label the top right corner, “fears.”
  • The left side is easy, what are you facing – name it.
  • The right side takes some real honesty. Give voice to as many fears or doubts you have.
  • This was the straightforward part, the remainder of the exercise will take time, prayer, thought. Looking at the fears one-by-one be honest is there truth in them, pray over them if you need to, cross them out as you go if they are not relevant.

The idea of this exercise is not to help you make a decision. This is commonly used for that purpose. Instead, the goal was to give voice to fears and learn how to face them honestly. When we do that, it is easier to discuss them with others. We also have the chance to see what is really hindering us from moving forward. When I worked through this about a job, one of the fears I wrote was not enough money. I am not downplaying that this could be real. When I said look at each one realistically, I was serious. For me, that wasn’t the issue, but I was telling myself it was. Be honest.

King David was a shepherd boy facing a lunatic giant of a king. God told him to go forward although none of it made logical sense to David. The background story was that Samuel and God knew that David was going to be established on the throne. I am not asking you to consider facing something illogical, I am asking you to take courage, facing your fears head on. Who knows what the blessing might be out of this type of action.

If you did this exercise to release some memory, there is another step you need to take. There is a story of Peter and Jesus with a painful memory lingering between them, take time to read it (John 21:15-19). You see, Peter refused to stand by his friend whom he was beginning to see as the son of God. It was soon after this event that Jesus was hung on a cross. Have you ever been let down by a friend. Imagine the hurt that was lingering in this friendship as Jesus appears to Peter after his resurrection. I am guessing that this is similar to the unforgiveness you have for yourself. Accept the healing that was offered to Peter that day as your own. Forgive yourself and if needed others.

Thank you for allowing me to travel with you on this journey. Please take a few minutes to check out my website, www.monicaswank.org. You will find resources that you can benefit from all week long. – blessings

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Words of Power

Faith, hope, love. These are words thrown around regularly in Christian circles. I can also argue that they are used as frequently in other faith traditions as well. Why? Because they are words that are meant to soothe the soul. Words that offer a future. In some way these three words are supposed to guarantee that there is a better end to what has begun in each of us as individuals.

They are not empty words. No, far from it, they are filled with sustenance. They are used to reflect something greater. There are two problems that I see straight away. The first is that we often use these words as stand-alone words. That is not their intent. Consider that when these words first found roots in Christian history, they had long been used in Jewish tradition.

Faith represented what Abraham had when he left his family and journeyed into foreign soil. Faith is also what he held as he trusted God would provide for him in his darkest moments. Faith is not just a belief in something, it is a deep-rooted trust that extends from one person to another or in the case of Abraham to God. Faith also is a lifestyle. It is not just some system of beliefs. It is how life is lived for most of us. We have faith in so many things that they are far too great to count.

It is no different for the word hope. I think however there is a strength in hope that far exceeds faith. I have watched as patients in hospitals lose hope of ever getting better. It is not uncommon for them not to in these situations. Hope is also what I have witnessed as people take terminal illnesses on and win. I am not suggesting it is a cure. Rather it is small glimmer of believing in the good that drives individuals on, sometimes one horrific step at a time.

Love aligns with the other two words. It changes the soiled sheets of a parent; it looks beyond the disfigured face or body of a loved one. Love is more powerful than any human strength. It is blind to the physical because its existence is meshed within the intricate system of the psychological.

But what if you speak these words to someone who does not know them? This is where my other problem with these words occurs. What if the recipient of these words has been hated the entirety of their lives? What if they have known nothing but mountains of dead laying in their neighborhoods, of fighter jets speeding low across the horizon. What if their life began in a crack house and they have been traded day in and day out sexually so that they could afford a loaf of bread?

What if these words are not in your vocabulary, but you are somewhere in between? Perhaps you have been tossed around from parent to parent in an ugly divorce. Maybe you have spent most of your life in unloving, harsh homes. Or maybe you haven’t been in any of these places, and you are taken aback by my words here.

You cannot be aware of all things at all times, especially untold secrets of others. Nor can you disregard who you are and who you’ve been raised to be. I do not buy into words like ‘unity, acceptance,’ and others. Why because we cannot ever fully know who each other is at the root. When we use these words to express brotherly love or concern, we must also be able to use the other words, faith, hope, and love. And if each of these words look different for our fellow humans then we are going to miss the mark by a mile.

So, where are you in these descriptors? Do you subscribe to them because you can relate to them or do they seem distant, unattainable in this lifetime? If these words help to define your lifestyle, then do me a favor. Head over to my resource page at www.monicaswank.org, click on the ‘growth’ tab and listen intently to what is shared. If you have not ever or are not currently experiencing these words in your life there are multiple resources at the website for you, but I have one other thing I want to leave for you here today.

  • If faith is a trust in something/someone else, begin by
    •  Listing what your ‘thing’ is.
    • Now, take it a step further, list all of the good qualities of that thing and all of the bad.
    • When you mimic the good or bad what is the result? Are there negative consequences or positive results?
  • If hope is a glimmer of good for the future, begin by
    • Listing what your hope is in or if you don’t have hope why not (what does it look like – give it a description)?
    • When you allow yourself to hope, do things go differently, better or worse?
    • If you listed hope in a person or thing, if that usually does not work out, what else might you put your hope in? List some options.
  • If love is not based on a good or bad, but on an emotion begin by
    • List what things receive your love. One to ten (or beyond) list them with one being that which receives the greatest amount of your love.
    • Next to each item list yes if you receive love back, no if not. Then list do you expect or wish to receive love back next to each item.
    • Here are qualities of love: patience, kind, not jealous, not rude or arrogant, not selfish, not irritable or resentful, doesn’t enjoy others suffering, is honest. Circle those items on your list that fit these descriptions.

Recognizing where these things fit into our lives is only a step. Our answers do not mean we are living a good life or a bad one. Nor do they mean we are bad or good individuals if we lack anything in these areas. It is simply an assessment, just like when you make a list of what grocery items to get at the store. No, I am not making light. This is simply an exercise. The next step is up to you. If you see some areas that you think you might want to improve on you have resources. Visit my home page on my website, go to the bottom and click on the contact tab. Send me a short message and I will respond in a day or two. You are not alone – there is a world of individuals out there waiting to love on you.

As always thanks for letting me take this journey with you – blessings my friend.

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Proof in the Argument

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I lay in bed this morning thinking about what I wanted to share with you that would impact your day for the good. Which transitioned into, ‘why the good’? Which led to, ‘I don’t want them to just have good, I want them to have change.’ Which still left me stumped. Until I realized that sometimes for us to want a difference in our lives, we must see a difference in others and desire it. I don’t mean like a jealous desire. This isn’t the kind of change that we wish we because we see greener grass, better job, better family, etc.

Not all of those things offer something better. At least not in terms of living. What we should desire, that others might reflect in their lives, is peace filled living. There is no selfish drive in that concept. There is no connection to lifestyle at least not in a material way.

For me transformation of my thoughts, my behaviors and responses came twofold. One was spiritual, which I will always declare has the ability to impact permanent change. The other was getting to the place where I could confront the real me, admit I had some serious faults as a human being and address them with honesty. The spiritual change was easy. I didn’t have much work to do, I simply had to believe and allow change to take place. The other was and is much more challenging.

I have spent the last fifteen years hearing my self-talk. All of us do this kind of internal or external talk. Not all of us are aware of what we are saying. Example: you and your significant other have an argument. You head one way they head the other. As you sit alone with yourself you start to believe that you deserve better in a relationship. All of your other friends are happily married, why not you. These thoughts are self-talk. Commonly, they are founded on untruths.

What happens most times is we learn to justify certain events in our lives with thoughts that have been learned along our life journey. These thoughts have been ingrained in us because they are fed to us continually by outside forces. At some point, they become our inner thoughts. We are either aware or unaware of their presence.

I didn’t finish the example because I want you to try an exercise. Put yourself into that story (I’m assuming somewhere along the way you’ve had a similar moment). What trail would your thoughts go down from the spot I left off? Write the specific thought or emotion down. Work through to the end, is the situation resolved or escalated? Do you determine a next step? Now go back and work through the thoughts or emotions you had (you might have to walk away for a minute). The goal is to discover if your thoughts are rational or fed by personal fears and insecurities.

If this was a real-life example, I would encourage you to talk with someone on the outside of the relationship. Someone who would be unbiased and brutally honest with you. Obviously, this is just a first step in recognizing self-talk. There is much that goes into changing unhealthy thought patterns. That is why I said that having faith was much easier than actually examining myself constantly for the last fifteen years.

As I faced this similar challenge in my life what I learned is that mine and my husband’s arguments left me feeling disrespected, unheard, unvalued. Which led to feeling unloved. What really was happening was we are both so head strong and felt we were right in our stance that we could not ever hear each other correctly. It went something like this: He says – “You always think you’re right, it always has to be your way,” I say – “You’re acting like a child, just stop for a second and hear what I’m really saying,” He says – “yep, let’s do it your way.” This is back and forth for however long we have the strength. Did you discover what we were arguing over? Of course not because the discussion turned to an argument and the topic was lost in emotion and individual insecurities.

When you learn to recognize the way you talk to yourself, when you learn to alter it towards healthier thoughts, these arguments have less impact. Why? Because you notice right from the beginning your insecure self-talk coming out and have the ability to change it. The argument then often swings back to the topic, or sometimes it has no realistic value and you’re at peace walking away without winning.

I realize that I used a relationship here to discuss transformation of thoughts and that means two people have bearing on the outcome. I want to leave you pondering this thought, if you learn to argue more fairly, do you think it would impact how your partner does? Wait, maybe this is a better question, if your partner learns to argue more fairly, do you think it will change your response?

-blessings

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Fear’s Little Spark

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Fear is a strange thing. It is like fire in a way. Think about the last time you started any kind of fire. From a candle to a blazing bonfire, they all start the same. A tiny spark must occur before there is anything else. Regardless of how you do it there has to be an initial flame or as my firefighter of a husband would say, “a place of origin.”

Fear gets its start much the same way. A fire, a seed, a doubt, the options of comparison are limitless. The point is it there is typically a little nudge. Have you ever watched a scary movie, the nudge is a scan to the woods or the music, oh the music! I don’t watch them, but my kids always say that’s when you know something is about to happen. Or my favorite is what my youngest daughter says, “are they really that stupid? Dark hallway, scary cellar, stand of trees and they still go in, like what did they expect to happen?”

We don’t want to see those things and so we don’t until it’s too late. Fear works the same way. It is not that we can’t or don’t want to see it, it’s more like the flame. We know it’s a tiny spark, but we do not expect it to get so big. When we finally realize it, our brains have shifted gears on us into flight or fight mode. I can think of two perfect examples from the bible. They are two different reactions but the same person reacting, oddly enough to the same fear.

The disciples of Jesus were often confused about the future of his ministry. I really do not blame them. How difficult it must have been to believe in this man? In the final moments of Christ’s life, Peter responds out of an unknown fear. The first example is in the garden when the soldiers come for Jesus. Peter is quick to defend his master, his friend, by lopping off the ear of a guard (Luke 22.49-51). The second example comes in the courtyard where Jesus has been taken when Peter denies any knowledge or connection to Christ, to save himself (Matt. 26.69-75). The tiny spark that lit this irrational fear was doubt.

These followers of Christ had heard stories their entire lives of the coming Messiah. They had heard how he would be of the bloodline of King David. He was equated to a king of great power and military might. They were told that his throne was to be established and that the nations of the world would bow to him. While Jesus mirrored images of a king who was known to his kingdom, who was not secluded away as some idol to be brought only when praise was due, he had as of yet to display his bravado. How easy it must have been for Peter to doubt that the end of his master would come as it was playing out.

What thing do you have that is a tiny spark? When the wind blows a little bit does that spark flare up just a tad? What happens if that flame is fed oxygen and wood, does it grow uncontrollable? Like Peter we build images of what life should be, or we draw boundaries around what shouldn’t be and never fully address our questions, concerns, fears.

I am terrified that my children will not know how deeply they are loved. I am more terrified that my husband does not truly love me. These are tiny irrational fears. I promise they are unwarranted, my husband tells me, “I’m here aren’t I. If I didn’t want to be, I wouldn’t.” I am chuckling in my office right now because if you knew my husband you would be too – he’s not a good liar and he doesn’t beat around any bushes to make his point. Let me go back, these are fears. Rational, irrational does not matter they are fears that sit in the back of our mind. They are there for different reasons which I won’t go into right now. The point is they exist. You have some too. It’s not that we have them it’s what we allow to happen to them that matters.

Within the first chapter of scripture, we are told that creation is good. When we feed fears ultimately the view we have of creation, is skewed. It becomes bigger than us and we are left with two options of response, fight or flight. Neither of these are great choices for every day living. These are tools for survival. If you are always operating out of one of these two places your system is on high alert which means at some point it will become irrational or explode.

So, how do you put the flame out versus fan it? Here are a few simple suggestions.

  • Face the nagging fear head on. What is it that is bothering you? Give voice to it either to yourself, in prayer, or to someone who knows you well.
  • Weigh it against what is true, does it have merit, or does it need extinguished? If it can be removed try rethinking about it when it surfaces, don’t give it merit, tell yourself it is a lie.
  • Does it have impact on your daily living? Speak to someone about changing it’s hold on you.

Jesus helped Peter to work out his fear. He did not just address the situation after the fact and let it drop. Neither did he wave a magic wand and make it disappear. He actually helped Peter to see the truth of his fear and alter his thinking. It can be done, and freedom occur!

If you need someone to journey with you, please locate the contact button on the bottom of the home page and reach out to me. I am so grateful for you, thank you for letting me come along with you.

-blessings

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The Trust of Abraham

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Trust is a hard word. It is not about what actions we must take as much as it is about what we must let go of in order for us to truly live into trust. I don’t always start my blogs with a story, but I really want to do that today. You may find that it challenges the stories of your faith, but you also might see something in the story that you have not noticed before. So come along, listen as I tell it

Years ago, long before you or I experienced life, a man was faced with death. He had spent his long life, almost a century of living, hearing tales about a man who had murdered his brother. The lessons that his father, grandfather, and the elders of his people taught him through that story was the value of all human life as well as the consequences of taking another’s away. Over his years of experience, he had seen the destruction upon people when murder took place. It shook his small tribe of people with devastation. Many never were emotionally the same again. Families were torn apart as retribution was sought by the wronged.

Yet here he sat tonight by the warmth of the village fire pondering his own personal dilemma. He felt no warmth from the flames as they danced within the stone ring. He was alone in his thoughts and gratefully alone from the presence of others. Tears flowed unabashedly down his cheeks making him that more appreciative that no other sat with him. It did not serve a leader well to have his servants see such an expression of emotion. The words rang not in his ears, but in his heart as they played over and over. “Abraham. Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you.

Had he misunderstood? Did the God that he worshiped, that he required his own family and servants to worship truly want him to take another human’s life breath? And would he ask this excruciating task of the one thing dearest to him? Had he chosen wrong? Had the Mesopotamians been right? No, how could that be. His God had been faithful. He had come to him physically. He had shown him so many truths. No, he was not wrong, the great “I am” was the only God. (Gen. 22.2)

I love retelling stories. I jump into the pages of Scripture and make the scenes come alive in my mind. Most of the time, I’m probably not close, but it helps me to connect with the stories. Abraham is so far removed from us in time that it is hard to understand his story as personal. But he was a real human. He experienced honest and raw emotion that in times such as these broke his heart. He was a man’s-man. A herdsman, in charge of the daily lives of many people, he was rugged and calloused by life. Like you and I, Abraham was real.

The Bible uses Abraham’s story about his intended sacrifice of Isaac as an example of faith. I think it runs a little deeper. I’m not suggesting that the Bible is wrong, just that the story encompasses more than one aspect of our lives. Certainly, this biblical hero had to have an incredible amount of faith to follow through with such a horrid task. Don’t you think that running parallel to faith he had to trust?

Going back to the beginning of this blog, I mentioned that trust requires more of us than most of us acknowledge. We have to be truly vulnerable. I don’t know about you, but that is not my strong point. I don’t like cold temperatures, I don’t like being called out in front of others, I don’t like being the center of attention. All of these things require something of me. They make me feel as if I lack some inner strength or capacity.

Yet, trust is one of the best decisions an individual can make when they are seeking to make positive changes in their lives. When I went through my divorce, I suddenly found myself jobless and homeless. It wasn’t just me though. I had five kids who had just experienced the most painful thing in their lives, and I was the only one holding the answers. Except I didn’t have any answers. At least not any that would solve my current problem. Like Abraham, I felt like I was drowning in sorrow.

Faith or trust make us the most vulnerable. We must allow ourselves to be cared for by others. We must give up control of our niche of the world so that the difficult or negative can be shifted. Did you know that most of the Western world is shaped, at its core, in thought and lifestyle by Hellenistic patterns? Our mindsets come out of ancient Greek and Roman cultures that filtrate into our religion, our government, our traditions. I don’t know about you, but Romans, in their prime, were pretty hardcore individuals. They were not typically seen as vulnerable, but rather as leaders and gods. If this is ingrained in our make-up, then it’s going to be hard to put our lives into someone else’s even temporarily.

Here are a few ways that you might make it easier.

  • Choose someone who is willing to see the whole you to help you make the journey. A counselor, spiritual guide, pastor, mentor, etc. should never disregard those things that hold value for you.
  • Make the decisions with them, don’t let them decide without your consent.
  • Keep your focus on the finish line – even if you’re not sure what it looks like yet.

The other side of Abraham’s story that I did not share is that never once did God say to him, ‘you have to do this on your own.’ In fact, he said, ‘when you get there, I’ll be with you to show you.’ God never abandoned Abraham and he knew him so well that he was sensitive to how much he could handle. God did not say to Abraham ‘you will do this or else.’ Instead, God waited for Abraham to consent. Finally, Abraham saw the entire picture even though he could not see an option outside of Isaac dying. He knew God, he trusted God, and he believed that the God who had never let him down before would be there at the end of his physical and emotional journey.

You are not alone! On the front page of my website, is a link to email me. It’s there because I want to hear about your journey. It’s there because some of you might need me to travel with you.

-blessings

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The Truth Be Told

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Recently, we went and got our Christmas tree. Because we don’t get much time together as a family, we decided to run into the nearest town and grab lunch. Where I live it’s cold these days, well it depends on the day you wake up in here in Ohio, but that day it was a whopping high of 36 degrees. Afterwards when we went back out to the Jeep, my son and I headed to the passenger side. My husband got in behind the wheel and my teenage daughter was outside the vehicle behind him. I watched as my husband tried to unlock the doors for us to get in, not once or twice, but multiple times. I was getting frustrated as my son and I stood there shivering. My husband had a dumbfounded look on his face as he continued to struggle with the locks. I just assumed my daughter was feeling the same as my son and I until I heard this burst of laughter from the other side of the Jeep. You see she was standing outside of the vehicle with us, but she wasn’t locked out. She had the spare key in her pocket and each time my husband hit the unlock she hit the lock. I was cold and irritated, but it was too funny not to laugh – and laugh we did as a family for more than a few minutes.

This morning as I sit here and write this story it is in vivid color for me. I can’t help to think about the way we see truth. My son and I had a clear view of the inside of the warm Jeep, we could see my husband, and we knew my daughter was waiting on the other side. What we couldn’t see was the key in her pocket. Life is like this situation. We see the images of the physical world clearly, usually. What we lack is the ability to see the hidden pieces.

Several millennia ago, the people of Abraham had a similar situation. They thought they could see the physical world clearly. What many of them missed is what Jonah readily saw. In the story of the prophet Jonah there is a section that is a conversation between him and God. Jonah is frustrated with God because he knows that if the people of Nineveh turn their lives around and start living for God, he will save them. As readers of the story, it seems a little incongruent that he feels this way. I don’t want to focus on the reasons why, but rather on the fact that Jonah knew the truth of who God was and the way that he viewed humans. Jonah knew exactly what the response would be before the event took place.

Let me go back to the beginning of humankind. There are two creation stories told. They ultimately are the same story, but with different details. You’ve heard this a few times over if you’ve been to church, but creation was made with loving care. Humans not only experienced this type of care, but they were given honor. Have you ever spoken to a young child in a manner which you get down on one knee to speak into their face? When you do this, they know that you are fully in tune with them. They sense your complete devotion. This is what God did with us. He stooped down looked us in the face, soaking up our story, and finding joy in not only our reaction to his presence, but in our desire to share with him.

Then an event took place that shifted the world. Humans decided to act on their own. When we did this God took precaution so that all would not be lost. His discipline was harsh not because it was cruel, but because the relationship between humans and God was shifted. The intimacy was replaced by divisiveness.

Why am I telling you this story? I want you to see two things. First that God’s character is twofold. He is filled with joy by us, and he takes action when we make decisions that ultimately do harm. His character does not change. Every story in the Bible reflects the same God: loving, just. The problem is that we see things in a skewed view many times.

When we look at our life situations whether good or bad, we tend to bend the view of God. Healing never takes place under these conditions. The wholeness of who we are as humans includes a spiritual element. If we want to get “well” we must acknowledge that there are two sides to the One who heals us for good. That means that there are moments in healing that will leave us outside of the car shivering. Why? We cannot see all things. God cleanses from the heart side out. True healing means we uncover all that is hidden. Some of those things revolve around behaviors that we have chosen at some point, past or present. Some we had no control over, but rather than work through them we buried them.

The second thing I want you to see is the step forward. Adam said, “the woman made me do it,” the woman pointed her finger at the serpent. God said, “let me show you the unhindered view,” which led to removal from paradise. While it might seem that this blog is about truth it is more than that idea. It has to do with alignment. We have every example under the sun in the Bible. Even better we have the response of God to every example in the Bible. As we move through the healing process, not only do we have to take note of our reactions, thoughts, and emotions, but we have to align them with the character of God.

How we do that deals with an action that I wrote about in an earlier blog, recognizing first how we respond. Yet, it is more than the how. We need to know what our thoughts are behind the actions. Once we begin to see the truth in our actions, we can align them to God’s truths. We can’t point fingers. Even if there are or were outside forces from which our actions and beliefs originated. We must see above all, our place in creation. We are not wasted time. If we were the God who created us would have gotten frustrated long before today. God simply would have started all over. That’s not the case.

God is patient. Where do we need to have patience? Is it with others or ourselves? How do we learn patience? Did you really think it’s something you just have? No, it takes a process to gain patience with a world that is at times incredibly frustrating (read the prophets and see it from the perspective of the most patient being).

God is love. Where do we need to love? Is it with others or ourselves? How do we obtain love if we don’t already have it? Open up the book of 2 Corinthians and read chapter 11.16-33 then follow it up with chapter 13.1-7. Love is not without effort. It takes time to master and has multiple stages.

God is just. Where do we need to see justice served? Is it with others or ourselves? I am not talking about punishment. I am talking about justice. Draw up the image of Lady Justice. She is holding a scale. Every behavior we exhibit has an equal balance in response.

Not every situation in life is as clear as an untinted window, but many of them are like the hidden key in the pocket. Even when we are standing outside in the cold shivering, we are the owners of how we will live life. Learning to recognize ourselves better, aligning our thoughts and actions to God’s, and then retraining our responses is all a part of the healing process. Give yourself grace as you move through the steps.

Thank you for letting my journey with you – blessings.

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A New You, Is It Really What is Needed?

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Each year we make resolutions. It’s the same thing. Not for us, but for those who advertise they have the best idea for a fresh start to living healthy. There is no limit to who promotes their business with this theme in the month of December. Even some pastors pull this out in their final sermon series or their new ones for the first of the year. The crazy thing is we get drawn in. Often easier than we would like we find ourselves buying new memberships, diet or healthy living plans, or some self-help program. Do you ever wonder why?

I have a few thoughts for you. The first is that we have this subconscious belief that we need to be changed. A nagging that maybe if we shift some small physical or mental thing about ourselves, we will live better. The second, we are not really at peace with who we are because we don’t have a truly clear picture of who the real self is. Lastly, that we have, once again, a subconscious belief that this might be the one thing to help us find happiness.

Will you stay with me just long enough to hear what I have to say in response? I tend to think we have innate responses to competition because of several reasons one of which is very prideful, the other has to deal with a natural desire to be in alignment with the character of God. Something in us believes we can get closer to God’s character simply by acting or thinking differently. Oddly enough this does not really reflect any Biblical theme or ideal. So, we think that if we get healthier physically, we are honoring the body that God gifted us with or even more theological, we perhaps are showing respect to the Holy Spirit that makes our body his home.

This is a pretty simplistic view, and I do believe that there are some of us who need these changes, but I am talking about something deeper. I am talking about justifying behaviors. If I do this, then this will be better. The Bible never claimed that if we worked out, we would be the best humans ever or that our lives would be trouble free. Rather Paul said that if we train by consistently living as Christ that we will finish the race (Heb. 12.1). Each of us run a different race in an attempt to finish.

Touching on the second idea, most of us lack a true understanding of who we are at the core. We tend to know what we love, what our passions are, but we do not always have a clear vision of who we are as individuals. Neither do we understand that role as it fits into that which God designed in us. Due to a lack in guiding help, the majority of us have never had the chance to take off all of our layers and wade through the deep recesses of our beings to find our soul. Our identities are wrapped up in who or what others have either taught us to be or want us to be.

 Again, this is just scratching the surface of this idea. Having had the opportunity to explore my life’s journey from a reflection back to the day of my birth is probably one of the most incredible experiences I have ever been privy to take. When you walk this journey, with guidance, in a safe environment where you can discuss it and process through the difficult times, it takes on a whole other meaning than working through “stuff” with a counselor. Please, be clear that I am not in any way diminishing the work of a psychologist or licensed counselor (in fact, I happen to have a few great ones in the family). Instead, what I am talking about is soul work, not head or heart. At the core of our beings is how we process all of life. It’s like a data center in which all outside influences come in, we sort through discarding some, storing others, and finally we push out that which has no bearing on us as individuals.

The final thought revolves around happiness. In the world where I live, happiness has been revealed in recent years as an abstract goal that doesn’t really have any clear definition. With that it has also lost some merit in the focus of individuals. It has in a sense been identified as a phony. That said, we still lean into all that surrounds it. For example, we still think that joy and peace are in some way linked to this term, happiness. We have been told it so often by so many different sources that to think in any way counter to it seems unhealthy. Yet, happiness is a feeling it is not a lifestyle. Like frustration or inner warmth, it comes and goes.

In recent years, churches have begun to talk about peace as deeply rooted in our faith, only attainable through relationship with Christ. I would agree on that as a whole. I would disagree that it is easy to gain in our lives. It is when we understand how to weather the inconsistencies and constant beatings that we finally get a glimpse of peace.

These abstract ideas that are shoved down our throats on a regular basis serve not only as a false hope, but as one more knock on our egos. I teach biblical studies at a university. My first class is about Creation. One of the most important topics we discuss as a group is the logic and order that surrounds the formation of the inhabitants of the earth. I believe the same thing about how we gain inner peace. In fact, if you consider how you work towards physical health it has a natural order to it if it is done correctly. Inner peace is not found in a study. It is not found in a better prayer life. It is not done … you get the idea. Yet, pieces of it can be found in all of these things.

Ultimately, God leads us to this place through the guidance of the Holy Spirit. As I have mentioned in previous blogs, it is the work on our end that we do through honesty, confession, standing firm in faith, determination to live aligned with God, interpretation of Scripture, and prayer that lead us to healthy living. Even in these though there is a process. The way in which we work through these and adapt our lives to them determines the lasting outcome of them in us as individuals.

-blessings

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Living Our Stories

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I listened to a sermon Sunday in which the pastor told me not to get too far from my story. Today, I read a paper from a student that talked about the work she believes that she is called to do. Every day I watch my husband put on his uniform and go to work, not for his paycheck, but to live out his story. For the last three months, I have been telling students about the rich history of the world in which we all get our story. That’s what I want to talk about today, our stories.

They are as individual as we are. They are filled with the stuff that makes us who we are at the core. When our stories intertwine with that of God’s there is a different depth that even we cannot grasp. While I will talk about the value of the story here – I still lack a full knowledge of its meaning.

Let me begin with my story. Since I like to build stories from images, picture this with me. Every event, every person, every moment in my life has either placed gifts or stones at my feet. I say this for your sake not mine because I believe that my stones are also gifts. The consistent placement of either of these in my life built two things: a wall and a heart of compassion. As I have aged several other events have also taken place. The wall at one point fully encompassed the heart. I lived in darkness, selfishness, and depression. Once I realized this and began to take the wall down slowly – I mean very slowly – like stone by stone, the heart of compassion not only was released, but it experienced an expansion like no other I’ve known prior or since in my life.

My darkness began very early as a child. I allowed hurt and anger a small opening as a young child. It was alright because what harm could it really do? Let me tell you it was not a small thing!! That anger grew into justification. Justification for my right to be who I wanted and do what I wanted. And boy did I! Inside of all those feelings was a sense that I was entitled to feel hurt. But I have to admit that I really hated the pain of hurting. If I was allowed to hurt, I also was allowed to numb it however I wanted. So began the first hit of a cigarette, which turned into a first hit of a joint, and then a first line of Cocaine, and shame. This is where it gets good. Shame is a weird thing. It doesn’t care about the person, it has one goal and that is to bury that person in so much guilt that there is no climbing out.

Shame was heavy, oppressive. So, I pushed it down. Promiscuity and recklessness became a new norm. And shame would go away when I hid it with the numbness of drugs. Until it came back. This time when shame came back it no longer oppressed, it stood up tall in my face and laughed in mockery. I couldn’t run. There was no place that I could leave my shame and so I did the unthinkable, I decided dying was the only escape.

Have you ever watched a Sci-Fi movie where there are two worlds living in existence together without the other worlds knowledge? At some point in the movie the characters of those worlds somehow learn of each other. Sorta like time travel. That is my story! Every time I put that line of coke into my nostril and shame wrapped its tentacles around my heart the other world felt something else. In perfect rhythm, time and time again, on constant repeat in the other world a man’s knees hit the ground under the new weight (I heaped on) as he dragged the trunk of a tree up a hill. And every time I devalued my body, giving it away carelessly that same man felt his skin rip apart as a stake was driven into it.

Why? For what reason would this occur? Because there are two sides to our world, the evil and the truth. Wrapped up into evil is all that brings us down, devalues us, rips open our hearts, shreds our humanity. On the other side is the place where all that attacks us is absorbed allowing restoration or hope to fill our hearts, our souls, our spirits.

But we have to reach across that chasm and find it. Why, because you have a story inside of you. Not a story of pain. Yes, you might have a wall of pain, but it is not your story. Your story is waiting for you to reach across the abyss. When you do you come alive, your story becomes passion, your focus is turned outward and the world in which darkness tries to overcome you is changed.

Maybe you save a life in a fire, maybe you pray with a nervous patient, maybe you give a blanket to the homeless. Whatever it is, shame begins to shrink, guilt is beat back and something else begins to take its place.

Let me step out of my metaphoric language for a minute. I want you to know that if you are living into these places of darkness, I am not making light of it. It is real! It is suffocating! And it is incredibly dangerous! When my daughter plays basketball and is struggling to make shots, I have told her for something like six years now, you only need 2 points. Do you know why? Two points gives you hope to make the next basket. Soon you are shooting threes. If you keep your focus and the hope, then there is real potential for the outcome of the game to turn in your favor. How do I know this? I’ve seen it played out in sports and I’ve lived it played out in my own life. I do not have superpowers so when I say you can do this one stone at a time, I have walked it with you. So, has Jesus.

I have a few favorite words that I sing when I can’t hear the voice of hope, let me share them with you. “Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full into his wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace.” (Helen Lemmel)

There is one other thing that has helped me immensely and that is to know someone in the world cares. Hold these next words dear to you wherever you may travel. They are my heart of compassion that Jesus helped me to uncover. They are my story. It is my hope that you will find encouragement and strength in them. Thank you for allowing me to travel with you! I love you, my friend.

            “I pray love into your life. I pray strength. I pray hope. I pray Jesus. You are made for a story. Your story is valuable. Your story is needed. You are precious to God. You are precious to me. May your feet be quick to find Jesus. You are loved!”

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Ping Pong Paddles

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Do you have weird thoughts randomly hit you every once and awhile? Today, while I was teaching on the books of Corinthians, I was struck by one such thought. It sparked not only a new line of thinking (sort of), but also a physical action. We were talking about how Paul is so frustrated with the church that he uses sarcasm or mockery to make his point. Have you ever done that? Or has anyone done that with you?

If we are the recipient of mockery, it’s like there is this switch that flips inside of us. It is a two-way button. It moves up or down depending on who the person is that pokes at us. That movement is accompanied by emotions. Turn it around for a minute. Say that you are the one trying to make a point. You exercise your uncanny sarcasm on your friend. This is not a little thing you want them to see, but some larger issue – a bad girlfriend who they just can’t give up, maybe. When you speak the truth to them, does it turn into an argument or are they grateful for your insight? I’m not voting on the latter; however, I have seen some cases when the presentation is right that it works without hard feelings.

What if you and that same friend are sitting in church and the pastor addresses an issue that resonates with the unhealthy relationship of your friend? Let’s say that the pastor even uses sarcasm when talking about it. I bet there is a greater likelihood that the friend will hear the words with an openness. While there is no guarantee of it, the chances are better. Here’s why. For the hearer of the rebuke when it is someone close to us it feels condemning. When there is distance or relationship it doesn’t have the same sting. Paul knew the churches of Corinth that he was correcting, and they knew him, but he was intimately associated with a smaller number of the group. While the church itself was caught up in not only disruptive arguments, the members were also suing each other. Why? Because their relationships were more connected. When they disagreed it quickly fanned into heated debates because it felt like personal attacks.

Reggie McNeal is a leadership expert. He teaches thousands of leaders how to receive criticism. I think what he says is not only wise it is biblical and useful to the average person. In his book, A Work of Heart, he talks about the conflict that leaders should expect in ministry. Listen to these subheadings: “Get Over It…Choose Your Pain…Examine Your Critics…Look in the Mirror…Get Good Advice…Be Kind and Honest… Forgive…Make a Decision.” These are wise words! And I didn’t even get to the meat of the chapter. I’m not sure it is all that necessary in this context.

What I really want you to see is what I am always teaching, being honest with ourselves. If someone is pushing against something sensitive in our life, there might be a need to do some personal reflection. What if we worked our way through the subheadings listed above? Not all our critics are right. Neither are we, right. Yet, if we took some basic steps it might look like this:

  • Sort out the words from the emotional response.
  • Don’t let the weight of the situation cripple.
  • Examine the character of the person behind the words.
  • Do a real honest inner self examination.
  • Don’t make life altering decisions alone.
  • Give yourself some grace (and the one who pointed out the flaw)
  • Forgive you, forgive others, forgive God.
  • Take action.

Real change is hard. If someone calls us out on some issue in our lives, we need to at least be open enough to hear the words. My guess is if this happens and causes initial tension, we probably have recognized it ourselves. Real change is hard. If it’s a lifestyle change that we have carried around with us for years, it gets even harder. Real change is hard.

Okay, want to hear the good news? You’re not alone – ever!! If you have faith in God, then you have the mightiest warrior ever on your side. You or I might not have personally experienced God this way, but the Bible is full of examples. If this isn’t where you are right now, there are still people out there. I always mention reaching out to me. It’s what I do, journey with people as they make changes. In my work as a hospital Chaplain, one thing I often hear is that people think they are alone. My personal belief is that people think they are burdens. Remember, from the first created human we have all had to lean on someone along the way. There is someone out there to take this journey with you. Push forward – you’ve got this!

-blessings

Reggie McNeal, A Work of Heart, (San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2011), 154-174.

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One Rung at a Time

I recently had a patient who expressed loss of hope. When we explored this together, she shared a physical weight, a spiritual instability, and a mental emptiness. She was tired in every area of her life. Throughout the conversation, several key things were obvious to me.

The first being that she was stuck in a vicious cycle. It is the same whirlwind that engulfs many of us. It isn’t the hopelessness, but the lies that refuse to let us climb out or that knock us back down when we get part of the way out of the hole. The crazy thing about lies, is that you do not need to be in the middle of depression to experience the weight of them. In fact, you probably do not even recognize them because they are a pretty standard form of self-talk for a large percentage of us.

The second thing that I saw was that the physical aspect of life was beating her up and that naturally it had seeped into every other area of her being. We are so prone to see the portions of our lives in which we can compare and contrast with others. If ours looks less in some way or is encased in difficulties, it can appear as if we are less.

The last piece that I was able to discern was her strengths. She had so many great things going for her, so many tools in her toolbelt in which she could use to overcome the desperate place that she was in. The problem was that there was so much negativity that it overshadowed even the tools that were ready and recognizable.

When we get to the place where we feel a little bit like Peter and the other disciples in the middle of a storm or in fear of the unknown, we need to be able to pull out specific tools. (Read Matthew 14.22-32) Each one of these that I offer are practical and can be used in more than desperate situations. One of the most difficult thoughts for us to grasp is that we are not alone in feeling our feelings, or in experiencing life the way we are in the moment. So, I want to give you a nugget that if you hold onto you will find strength in. If you read the story in Matthew, you realize that Peter is still in the midst of his fear even as he is speaking to and look at Jesus. The thing that steadies him, is Jesus’ hand. Not his voice, not his presence, but his hand. All Peter had to focus on was the one thing, the hand of his Lord. I wish this was some amazing theological gift I was giving you, but the reality of it is, that when you are struggling all you have to see is one thing. Attempting to put the entire picture into focus is too overwhelming. In every situation there is one thing that offers hope. Like Peter, that is the one thing that can give you the ability to take one step at a time.

For many of you reading this you might be thinking it’s your faith. While that is where I would naturally go as well, I suggest to you that the idea of faith is too grand. You need something simple. When I was going through my divorce and the world was pretty dark, I had my faith for sure. I also had one thing that centered me and turned me in the right direction. I would sing the song, Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus. It was not my whole faith, but it represented both my faith and it reminded me to take one simple step at a time. Each time it was the same step first, look at Christ. I didn’t need to see the entirety of scripture. I didn’t need to focus on prayer. I didn’t need to guarantee I attended worship. While all of these things were good and had the ability to fill me, they were overwhelming. So, I just turned my eyes to Jesus. It’s different for each of us. For Peter, it was the touch of Jesus’ hand. For each of you reading this, it is another just as valuable nugget.

So, hold that and dig into the other steps I want to share with you. When we are in places that continue to beat us up it is incredibly difficult, as I already said, to focus on the big picture. Try this instead. Consider the fact that you are not just a physical being. You are also spiritual, emotional, mental. Begin by taking those pieces apart. Let me explain. Step one, write down or mentally consider all that you are feeling or sensing in each of these realms. What does your physical life feel like right now, your spiritual, your … you get the idea. A physical description might be – exhausted, but go on to explain what it feels like to be exhausted. My patient said she felt like a boulder was sitting in the middle of her gut. Do this for each piece of you.

Then figure out which one is the best place to put your focus. Is your spiritual being in the healthiest place? If so, use that place to keep moving forward. Let me explain. If it’s spiritual, then that place becomes your go to when the physical oppresses. But you need to give the spiritual access to the physical, mental, emotional. I’ll use my example again. Let’s say you are experienced a heartbreaking divorce and can’t seem to get passed it. You would recognize the qualities in the other areas of your life. Physically it might be lonely. Mentally you might feel ugly. Emotionally it might create deep sadness. Then you would allow your strong spiritual side to feed truth into these areas. When lies surface in these areas you combat it. Physically you combat it by saying aloud, “God will never leave me.” Mentally, you say aloud, “I am made in the image of God which is beautiful.” Emotionally, you say, “Jesus brings me peace and comfort.”

My current frustration is that this is a blog. You are on one side of the device in a completely different space and time. There is so much more to explore in this arena. So many more great things to give to you so that you can combat the ugly stuff of life. Just know I am praying for you, my friend. And if you find yourself needing or wanting more go to my homepage and shoot me an email through the link.

-blessings

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Hyperthyroidism or Personality?

First, off this is not a medical post nor is my intent to poke at the medical field. This illness just brings up something that you might be able to relate to as much as me. Years ago, as a young mom, I was at my end. Physically, there was not one more ounce of me to give. Emotionally, the world was so heavy all that I felt was grief and sadness. Mentally, there was no divide between the day and the night, it was like walking around in a zombie state. Spiritually, I had shut God out because he was just dead wrong!! Picture painted – shell mom. But there is no exaggeration in this description. To make matters worse, one of the outcomes was that I had no appetite. I wasn’t hungry, food was an offput for me, so I didn’t eat. The result is obvious, I lost weight and very quickly.

This is where the diagnosis of hyperthyroidism comes in. I was at the emergency room and the doctor should have seen that I was severely depressed. Instead, he focused on my weight loss and wanted to test my thyroid. That never happened. Here’s why. I knew the reasons behind this sudden change in me and he had no clue about the depression because I have a very outgoing personality. I am also naturally prone to be kind, to please others, and to set self aside. That doctor was not alone in missing cues. My personal friends had no clue either.

Behind the façade I had put on was a crumbling marriage, a loss of my dreams to attend college, a loss of a job that meant more to me than a paycheck. Some of you know just what I am hinting at here. Mountains can come down on me, but my personality does not easily allow for that to be reflected to the world. People miss things because I am almost always talkative, I almost always have a smile on my face, and the deeply engrained desire to give of myself takes over. Well, actually I should have used past tense in that last statement because God has shifted all of that for me.

But it’s important for those of you out there who are still in this place to see what is being said here. Because of my circle of influences, my unhealthy relationships, and my self-imposed lies, I was destroying myself in every arena. When you are no longer able to meet the basic needs, you are in a danger zone.

There are answers! In fact, there are lots of them, but you have to be willing to embrace at least one of them. They range from self-care to specialized help. Obviously, this is a post in which miles are between us. Which means, I cannot advise you as to which path you should take. But, even if you’re not sure the direction there is value in taking at least one. Let me suggest to you that starting simple might be a good path.

I have spoken about this in the past, but honesty is the first step. Being honest with self, with others, and with God must occur for you to move out of the haze. Determining what is the root cause is not only valuable it is the only way to move forward. One of the next steps is giving yourself tools. One of the best tools ever is to place true dependence in God. By doing this is not to disregard the work we as humans must do, but it is trusting God to guide us through the process. We are also called to draw a line in the sand with our actions. If part of the cause is sin, then we must acknowledge it, determine not to step over the line, give ourselves grace if we do, and then begin again. Then the weeding begins. We must align our thoughts about self, life, others, etc. with that which God says is true. If they do not match up then we need to begin the slow, slow, slow (this takes patience) journey of allowing God to change these ways of thinking. Part of that pruning and weeding often includes friendships or unhealthy relationships. All of these tools also require one other thing, someone to take the journey with us. Making substantial changes alone is difficult. Jesus had twelve friends!

While some of my other posts deal with these ideas, this one is a little more intense. There are a few things I want to say. First, if you are experiencing self-harm thoughts, you NEED to reach out right away for help. Go to a friend, pastor, someone. Second, you’re not alone. Others, even those who sit in successful positions in our world suffer from these same things. Third, you really are going to need some help with this journey. Take a look at my other blog posts, podcasts or resources, even consider emailing me via the homepage on this website.

Above all, find courage to be you again. Thank you for allowing me to go on this journey with you. -blessings

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Winding the Clock

In celebration of… in light of… as a result of (sounds better) the recent changing of the clocks, I thought I would talk about this topic. I often share in broader terms, but I believe this post needs to get a little more specific. For some of you it will have close to the heart relevance. Even if you don’t relate personally, I hope you will read it through its entirety because I can almost guarantee that someone you know will come to mind when you do.

When I was a kid, I was what I would call a free spirit. Every rule was restrictive, almost to the point of oppressive. I was a pro at breaking them. I was also in trouble much of the time. The kind of kid I was would probably have the label, “creative or expressive,” these days. Either way, I still don’t do well with rules. I like order, but not boundaries. Some of you are probably nodding your head in full agreement.

Unfortunately, order and guidelines are incredibly valuable for me. You see, I have suffered in some form from depression over my life. This has its origins in several key areas, but I am not addressing those today. What I want to talk about is the clock. Let’s say the clock is just a timeline written across each day. Every new sunrise brings a new line. Along that line is structure. It is this regularity that gives advantage to those who struggle with depressive disorders.

The approach that I take in my spiritual care is trifold. It has roots in psychology, pastoral care, and spiritual formation. Therefore, what you will find next in this post involves all three. If you or someone you know suffers from the “blues” there are actions that you can take that makes these times more manageable. You should design it individually to fit you and your life. The only aspect of it that remains fairly consistent is that each day is new. But this is not just a belief you can have it has to be a mantra. Each day, you have to get up and verbally tell yourself it is a new day. In that moment, you also have to find a physical thing in which you are grateful for and thank God. If you need to write it down and carry it with you into the day, do it!

Beyond that, build your day one block at a time. But have your building blocks preset so you do not have to determine them in the middle of your depressive state. Here’s an example:

  • Name my grateful, thank God.
  • Get a shower and get ready for the day, even if I have nothing planned.
  • Go to work or work on something productive (this could be as simple as make your bed or sweep your floors)
  • If you do not work outside of the home, make a list of things to do for the day, then set a timeframe in which to accomplish them.
  • Allow yourself a lunch break, and several breaks during the day, but take something with you into them – a person, a book, not social media and not work.
  • Be sure that your day is full, but not overwhelming. Again, it could be prayer time, simple chores, a phone call.
  • Be sure that you reach out to someone during the day. DON’T wait for them, you initiate it.
  • Do some physical activity outside of household chores. Take a walk (it can be around the block), weed the garden, take the stairs at work, something.
  • Eat regular meals – even if they don’t include all of the food groups, eat something at a regular scheduled time.
  • At the end of the day, write down or give voice (I don’t journal) three things that you did and praise yourself for doing them. Then give praise to God for giving you the day and the strength to do the things you did.

One key component to this list, is that you do not write it, or use it negatively against yourself. It is meant to predetermine your steps when you have no energy to do them on your own. It is meant to keep focus on the things that you accomplished, not the things that you did not achieve.

There is one other piece that I want to address. You are a piece of creation. That means you are knitted together with every other aspect of it through the hands of the Creator. He gives strength to the trees that stand for centuries. He gives power to the waves that crash unending on the shorelines across the globe. He is never absent whether or not you see or feel him. Recall this on tough days and allow yourself to lean into him to help carry you.

-blessings my friend

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The Gift of Friendship

Friendship is one of the greatest gifts. I tend to think it is one of the oldest gifts. It is also one of the widest framed relationships. Each of us experience it differently. Male, female, adult, child, and many more variables play into how and who we choose for our friends, how we maintain our relationships, as well as how closely we develop them. Before you go any further, think about your friends. I bet you have friends of all sorts. Some know the deepest places of your life; some are just for hanging out. Whatever shape and size they are probably not all consistent.

As I often do, my mind drifts to Jesus. To the kind of friendships that Jesus had in his adult life. We tend to call them disciples, but for Jesus they were the men who shared the most intimate parts of his life with him. He ate, drank, traveled, prayed, worked with them. Literally he did life with them. As friends do, they knew what the expressions on his face meant or his body language. And they were incredibly diverse in character.

So why am I writing about friends on a website that deals with healing and health? I think that friends or the lack of them is a key component of all aspects of health. We physically receive immeasurable value from their touch. We receive stress relief through the form of relaxation or laughter. The same is true for our emotions and mental health. We also have access to compassion. There is no less value for our spiritual health. Perhaps one of the key aspects of friends that we often overlook is that they provide for us fulfillment in areas of our lives that our spouse or significant other cannot or does not.

As a mentor, one of the first things I ask is about friendships. The questions are deeply personal. Here’s why. If you are going to overcome obstacles or make changes, you’re going to need help. The best kind of help comes through strong relationships in which we are held accountable with love and grace.

I speak to you from experience. I spent a percentage of my adult life discouraged from building friendships. Most days were difficult. Rarely if ever did I go out with friends. I was so grateful for my relationships in church. Additionally, for my large family. I battled depression. Eventually, it created such a deep-seated bitterness in me that it was life threatening. It also took me almost as many years to change those patterns after I was no longer in the relationship. Oddly enough, it shifted who I was from an extravert, to in many social settings, an introvert.

The reason for this is what I have spoken about before both in my podcast and my blog, we have the ability to alter our mind’s thought patterns. How we do that is just as important as with who’s help we do it. As you move forward you need to consider who has impact on your social life. Let me give you another personal example. Years ago, I experienced a very traumatic event in my life. I chose not to tell anyone about it. I just buried the event. If I didn’t think about it then it didn’t exist or impact me, right? Unfortunately, the exact opposite happens in these cases. Especially, with negative events. We don’t even realize it, but our thoughts begin to shift, the people we choose in our lives reflect our internal thoughts, ultimately our behaviors do as well.

The same is true as we begin to move towards healing. The people we surround ourselves with need to be strong in compassion, but gracious in truth telling. We have room for all of our friends, but just as I mentioned at the beginning, they each serve a unique purpose. So take stock, who are you going to depend for what?  

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A Quiet Place

I recently wrote about time away with God. I wanted to expand on that idea just a bit. I am firm in my theory that there is not one way in particular in which we should spend our time with God. Nor a location. Sorta.

When Christ came he gave examples, but he didn’t say it should occur in a garden, at a table, etc. He said to present our petitions to God in a simple and not flashy manner. (Matthew 6.5) He also said God is fully aware of our hearts and our needs (Matthew 6.8). Christ told us to do this in private. What does that mean?

Have you ever been so desperate that you had wished you were naked? Yes, naked. Naked in emotion, naked in thought, naked in expression. When Adam and Eve were naked in the garden they were without the desire to compare. They were fully, one hundred percent themselves before God. I have prayed for a friend in a public place and wished for a place in which I was alone. Years ago, I was urged to get on my knees and pray in the middle of a congregation of 500+ people. It was a very private prayer, spoken in my heart and it was initiated by a nudge from the Holy Spirit in a unique way. As I prayed, my heart longed to be alone. I am tearful person, but in this moment I felt myself being held in check (as much as that is possible given the situation). At another time, I was alone in my living room. It was the middle of the night. I had worship music playing quietly when I felt this urge to get down prostate before God. In the moments that followed, I wept, I cried out uninhibited by the eyes or ears of others. I was truly naked before God.

We live in a world that is obsessed with appearance and right behavior. I ask you this, can your spirit worship in a space that has eyes that judge? Prayer can happen in the ordinary of a day. Driving or walking in a crowd does not necessarily hinder prayer. But, being in the presence of God where you feel connection to your core rarely happens in those moments. Christ stole away to a place of privacy. A place where he could be real and have an intimate conversation with the one whom he loved beyond any other.

Blessings in your journey my friend. Find a moment to soak up the God who never forgets or disregards you.

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What’s the Best Way to Experience Spiritual Renewal

On occasion, I will get asked the question, “what do you do for spiritual renewal?” That is a hard one to answer. Most of my days are filled with the stuff that makes all of our lives busy. I balance work, motherhood, a marriage, currently four part time jobs and my own ministry. That does not allow for many moments of peace. In fact, when I was finishing my clinical hours for my Chaplaincy degree, I responded to the question with an answer that included my car, loud music, and long drives. That hasn’t really changed. I have a little sports car; at times I get in turn on some great tunes and find some awesome backroads.

But that is not true or deep spiritual space with God. For those moments, I often dig out a book on prayer. In a quiet place I will open it up and choose a style of prayer in which to indulge. That sounds sort of weird. Yet, some of the times in which I have felt the Lord move in my life has been in these unique opportunities.

I have drawn trees in deep prayer. As I move my pencil along the paper, I open up the day or the pressures of life for God to come in. For me the physical picture reminds me of what I forget when I close my eyes at the end of the day. The leaves or branches tend to take on some serious concerns. The trunk gets inundated with thoughts that flow out of my brain or heart onto the paper.

Do you know what I think stands above all the rest when choosing an option for spiritual renewal? That you do it. The how or the how often are not as important. Although, I would say that the frequency of renewal can be related to the Sabbath. The point is that you need to be alone with God on a regular basis. In those events, you need to release your heart and mind to him so that he can restore you.

There are numerous options. Prayer styles, fasting, scripture readings and reflections, worship through music. Regardless how you find God, find him. I could give you the best formatted design for renewal, but it is not all that important. For sure there are spaces that are ideal for resting. In these settings we often can release pressures of life and turn our attention to God. I do spiritual retreats for a living. I know that this is true. What believers take away from retreats are equivalent to this renewal we are talking about. Yet, those are restricted to times and places. God and renewal are available in every second of a day. You just have to discover in what ways that happens best for you.

Quiet Time Away

Photo Credit: pen_ash

Growing up in a world that tells us we have to keep moving, that success is only found in our ongoing striving towards better, makes being quiet not difficult, but impossible. There is one serious issue in this concept. More than likely a few came to mind for you. Set those ideas aside for a minute and consider that there is only one that matters in the grand scheme of things.

Life is designed by God. Our energies, our successes, our efforts. While each of these are achieved through our own personal work. And while we have the capacity to achieve them, they are not ours alone to claim. Each of these are gifted to us. Our intelligence, our strengths and our weaknesses are the footprint of God in our lives.

This leads us to that one issue mentioned; always reaching for the next great thing. We just keep moving. There is no silence or stillness.

That last statement is my least favorite. Not because I can’t be quiet (I can’t). Not because I am always striving for the next best thing (I am) But because I think it is a pat answer or statement made by leaders in the Christian faith. It isn’t a solution, it isn’t a recommendation, it’s just a statement that to be honest often leaves us feeling a bit guilty.

I’ve spent my whole life feeling guilty, the last place I want to experience it is in my safe space with my God. But that doesn’t diminish the truth in the statement. In many people’s lives there is no active silence. We fall asleep or get bored far too easily. Yes, I just put all of us, you and me, in a group. Unfair, maybe. True, most likely even if not 100%.

I also don’t like the statement because my natural tendency is towards self-improvement in every aspect of my life and this lacks the wisdom I need to do that. When truth is exposed to us even without reason or teaching we now become the ones responsible for understanding. If we let it go unused it is wasted. So, let’s do some digging into how to be actively quiet or silent.

For the sake of this blog, let’s say there are 2 types of people (laughable – right). However, let’s say that there is the person who easily sits still and is comfortably quiet. The other type of person is polar opposite of that behavior. Decide into which category you fall. If you sit still well and your mind doesn’t wander, great. If you don’t, be aware that you might need to give yourself a break or make a change every so many minutes of being quiet, so that you don’t become restless.

Now, focus on those individuals who are quiet with the Lord in the Bible. It isn’t the day of rest. It is a moment. Psalms 23 records a moment ‘beside still waters’, the ability to lie down in the lush beauty of the green grasses. David writes often of resting. Elijah becomes exhausted from constantly being battered by life and lies down in his despair hoping for death. It is here that God offers him rest and a refueling (1 Kings 19). Jesus specifically speaks about finding rest in a relationship with him (Matt. 11.28-29).

Pay close attention to how they rest. Simply put, physical rest occurs for them through food and sleep. More than that though they rest from daily responsibilities of work and chores.

One other defining action happens when they rest. They meet God. This is what Jesus is talking about. Finding rest in Jesus isn’t a metaphor, it is a promise. When we still ourselves, focus our full attention not just on the Lord as God, but on his being, the person, the existence, the purpose of the life of the Lord, rest will come through him in a physical way such as David, Elijah, Hagar and many others found.

There isn’t a time requirement unless God tells you there is. Prayer isn’t a mandate, being with God is. Place doesn’t matter unless the Holy Spirit presses upon you that it is. Rest is a requirement because without it we are useless to self, others, and most of all the Creator of our very essence.

If you needed steps review the blog, you’ll find them. When you do you might want to ask yourself if you need rest from the rules and restrictions that bind your spirit. Resting is an activity. It is defined by an action and therefore demands that we take part in it. Scheduling rest isn’t just a suggestion, it is a part of our responsibility as a human to all of creation. The value of it weighs with equivalency to work. So go put it on a calendar somewhere. Don’t excuse yourself or replace it with something else – part of your ‘pay’ depends on how you partake in it.

Happy resting my friend!

-blessings for the journey